


Ich Bin Ich Selbst

by Starren_Moonstone



Series: Ties that Bind [3]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Minor Character Death, Nonbinary Character, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-06-27 04:06:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 34,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19782922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starren_Moonstone/pseuds/Starren_Moonstone
Summary: Germany must come to terms with his forgotten past. And what better way to do that then to go through his attic. Prussia has a party to plan and a sick bird to care for, making him question mortality. Italy has his own past he must reconcile with by leaving it behind and starting anew. And Kugelmugel reaches out so that someone can listen to them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this story is translated to "I am Myself." I hope you enjoy.

Germany was still questioning himself as to the reason of his insistence for a therapist. He was sitting in Northern Ireland’s living room, waiting for that nation to come back. Germany was fine, surely. He was just tired and overworked. Not that he would blame anyone but himself over that fact. He liked working. It gave him purpose… even though he knew he should focus a little more on family, friends, and other hobbies. Old habits die hard.

And then, the boy with the black hat looked at him again, standing in the shadows in between the bookshelves. Him. That was the reason Germany was there. This ghost kept following him everywhere, looking at him with this judging look. It was as if there was something Germany was doing wrong… or forgetting…

“So,” Northern Ireland came back to the sitting room, with a tray of tea, “Where do you want to begin? I’ll follow your lead, seeing as I have no idea what you are here for. Ire didn’t tell me.”

“Well, I didn’t really tell him much.” Germany was still wondering why Ireland suggested to talk to Northern Ireland instead. This nation reminded him a lot of Italy. He had that bubbly personality. The main difference was that Northern Ireland was more of an introvert, based from what Ireland had told Germany in their conversations. “I’ve been… having a harder time concentrating. It’s gotten to the point where the people I’m close to are noticing and are worried.”

“I did see you were looking at this one particular part of the conference room during the world meeting last month. Is that a part of it?”

Germany nodded. He was annoyed during that whole meeting because of the fact that the ghost was there. Staring at Germany and watching his every move. “We do have doctor/patient confidentiality?” Germany asked. If any of this got out for any reason… it would be a social disaster for him.

“Yes?”

“…I, um… This is going to sound insane…”

“I’ve deal with leprechauns on a regular basis. There’s no judgement here.” Northern Ireland smiled kindly.

As much as Germany would have liked to know what leprechauns did, he knew it would have to wait for another day. “I think a ghost is following me.”

Northern Ireland looked confused. “Huh. That’s less therapy and more ghostbuster work if you ask me. Is it here now?”

“Yes,” Germany looked over back to the boy, who had come a little closer. He seemed interested in the proceedings. “He’s here.”

“What does he look like? Is he transparent?”

“No… He’s…” Germany wasn’t sure how to put it into words. “The best I can describe him is that he looks like a younger version of myself… except… moody.”

“Does he have a name?” Northern Ireland asked, taking out a stone with a hole at its center.

Germany looked at the boy, who scowled back at him. His sapphire blue eyes pierced through Germany’s heart. “…Holy Roman Empire.”

“He’s a nation?” Northern Ireland had put the rock up to his left eye, looking over to the chair the blond boy stood at. “You sound very hesitant about him. Does he threaten you?”

“No. Not really. He is something of the past.”

“But he does concern you. What does the Holy Roman Empire mean to you?”

Germany sighed. “There is a sizable gap in my memory. Most things before WWI are muddled for me. I know nothing of my childhood and the unification is in pieces. The only thing I know is that this body was once Holy Roman Empire’s before he died.”

Northern Ireland lowered the stone, looking back at Germany. “You don’t consider him and you as the same person?”

“We are different nations. He is a different person. I don’t have any of his memories.”

Northern Ireland wrote something down. “Have you ever had a feeling of déjà vu? A feeling that you couldn’t explain why you felt it?”

“… I have.” Germany wasn’t sure where Northern Ireland was going with this. “Once, um… I was at a local festival. A revival of sorts. I couldn’t help but feel like I had been there before… with someone else… Probably a memory of when I was younger that I’ve forgotten.”

“Have you had a feeling like that with another person?”

“Yes… when I first met Italy. But it was his first time meeting me as well, so we couldn’t have known each other before. He remembers everything.” Germany had always felt a little jealous of Italy because of it. Italy had centuries worth of memories that he would talk about constantly. He was well versed in not only his own history, but where he came from as well. Germany wished he had that.

“Hm…” Northern Ireland wrote down a few more notes. “Ludwig… first, do you mind if I call you that?” Germany gave permission. “You can call me Spiér… or North. Most of my friends call me North. Anyway, would you humor me, Ludwig? There is something I would like to try with you.”

“And what may that be?”

Northern Ireland took out a clear crystal tied to the end of a chain. “Hypnosis. It’s a technique used to get at memories that people suppress. I’d record it, and give you a copy so that you’d be able to listen to it later. Only if you want, though.”

Germany really didn’t like the thought of it… but… the boy from the chair looked very intrigued. “Fine.”

“Don’t sound so resigned. You do have a choice, and there are other things we can do.”

“But this is what you recommend. It sounds like a direct way to do it.”

“Alright then.” Northern Ireland got up and fiddled around with a CD player nearby. Germany adjusted himself in his seat so he was sitting at attention. “Relax, Ludwig. You’re too tense. Have you ever been under hypnosis before?”

“Nein.”

“This should be interesting then. Ok,” Northern Ireland walked over to Germany and pulled up a chair so he was closer. “I mean it. You have to relax and trust me. Or else this isn’t going to work.”

Germany took a deep breath. “I trust you.”

“Let’s begin then.” Northern Ireland let the pendulum dangle from his hand. It did catch the light in an interesting way, making the crystal look as though there was a rainbow trapped inside.

Germany wasn’t sure when he spaced out, but he became extra aware of his surroundings after a time. He knew he was slumped on the couch, his head resting on the arm of it. He sat up again, and noticed he was alone. There were scones out on the table and the tea pot was missing. The grandfather clock told him that it had been a few hours.

Northern Ireland came back, holding the tea pot as well as a small dish of lemons.

“What happened?” Germany asked. His voice sounded a bit rough.

“Ah, you’re up. Good. As I said, you were hypnotized. It was very interesting. How do you feel?”

“Surprisingly well rested? And… a bit sad.” He wasn’t sure why the latter.

“Well, I’m not surprised. You got very sentimental over your lost lover, so…” Northern Ireland saw Germany’s confused face. “Right, I should explain. First, I don’t know if you will get back any memory of being under hypnosis. It varies from person to person, but I do have the recording for you to listen to on your own time. I’ll cut out the induction bit, because that part is boring and I don’t want you going back under like that.”

Germany didn’t like the build up to what happened. It made him more nervous than he maybe should have been. “Please, get to the point.”

“Ah, yes. Well, long story short, your younger self wants you to remember your past and find your lover.”

“Why?”

Northern Ireland shrugged. “I didn’t get an answer to that. That’s something for you to find out. Or not. The way I see it, Ludwig, is that you are at a crossroads. You could ignore the issue of your younger self following you, but I highly doubt you want things to stay the way they are.”

“Nein, you’re right. So, what are my options?”

“You can either try to remember your past, or suppress it completely.”

Germany tried not to show he was frustrated with the first option. “I’ve been trying to remember though.” Prussia had tried so many times to get Germany to remember his childhood; none of which succeeded.

“I bet you have. And it’s not your fault. The memories of your childhood are locked in a very secluded part of your head. I couldn’t get there because you can’t get there. Now, I am magical, so I can break that lock so that you can remember those things. Now, if you don’t want to do that, I can do the opposite and suppress those memories even deeper than they already are so that your younger self doesn’t bother you anymore.”

Germany cringed a bit. “I’m not mad about it, but North,” Germany thought it was odd calling Northern Ireland something casual, but there he was, “Holy Roman Empire isn’t me. We are two separate entities.”

“Do you really believe that?”

“You don’t.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

Germany thought about it for a moment. “…not exactly. But, I had to, because Prussia would not stop calling me Holy Roman Empire when I was younger. I eventually gave him the name Ludwig as something to call me because I was so frustrated. I was no longer Holy Roman Empire.”

“But, you do admit, you were once.”

Germany begrudgingly nodded. “But that stays here.”

Northern Ireland poured some tea for Germany. “That all depends what you want to do next. Think about it. I have to edit the recording anyway.” Northern Ireland pulled his laptop up and began preparing the CD.

Germany sipped on his tea, while eyeing the scones. He had heard the infamy of England’s scones, but would Northern Ireland’s be the same? Eventually, Germany caved and had a scone. His final verdict was not bad, which is a step up from just edible. As much as Germany would rather have the past be in the past, he knew that the biggest regret anyone had in dying was leaving things unfinished. And since he was a nation, he had the time to make things right… maybe. “Unbind them,” Germany said after a while, “I need to know my past. I owe that to the people I knew before…”

Northern Ireland smiled. “I was hoping that was what you were going to do. Lean in.” Germany did, and Northern Ireland drew an interlocking cross on Germany’s forehead. Northern Ireland’s eyes glowed for a moment. “There. Now, you won’t remember everything all at once. Which is a good thing, because that would be very chaotic. The best way to get those memories out is by finding triggers for them though items or stories. Talk to family. Maybe do some autumn cleaning.”

Germany nodded in recognition. “I have been wanting to clean out the attic for a while now.”

“Perfect. Also, you need to own your memories. Regardless of what they are about or how the people in them refer to you as. You need to own it all, even if it means accepting who you no longer are.”

Germany looked over to Holy Roman Empire, who looked pleased with the turn of events. He agreed to the condition.

“Now, if nothing happens in a week, give me a call and we’ll figure it out. But you need to be trying to trigger something.”

“Right… Danke.”

Northern Ireland took a small bow, and handed Germany the CD. “If you need anything, even if you just want to talk, give me a call. I’ll listen.”

There was a weight in the CD that Germany could feel in his heart. This was the start of something, and he was both excited and scared as to where it was going to go.


	2. Chapter 2

Prussia could admit that depression freaking sucked. He knew he should be excited about the party he was helping to plan, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so. There was something keeping him down, dragging him back. There wasn’t even anything bad going on… Except that Gilbird was sick.

The small bird nestled itself in the pocket of Prussia’s hoodie as he looked through different options for music. The tasks for getting the party together were divided in the group. Liechtenstein was in charge of getting a venue and a place for everyone to stay. Finland and Poland were collaborating with the decorations. Finland was also in charge of making sure the bosses could come to the event. And Prussia was in charge of the music, sound, and lighting. They still needed to come up with a theme, but none was really standing out.

The Skype call ring tone started going off, and Prussia noticed it was for the party planner group they made. He answered it with video, where Poland was twirling around a rubber band. There was another camera on too, but there was no one there. There were metal rock band posters in the background, and various boxes littered the ground.

“Cześć, Prusy,” Poland said causally, still twirling around the rubber band.

“Hallo, Polen,” Prussia said, still looking at the camera that had the metal rock posters, “Is that Finland’s room?”

Poland nodded, “You’re guess is as good as mine with where he is. How’s the music coming?”

“I’m starting to think it might be better to get a DJ than hire a band. That way we can have a choose your own music option. And maybe some karaoke for the after party.”

Poland grinned, “The after party is like always the true party.”

“Damn right it is.”

“Ok,” Finland came into view, throwing himself in his chair. It was a rolling chair, so he slid out of view for a few moments, before wheeling himself back into the view. “Hello everyone. I hope things are going well.”

“Ja. How do you feel about karaoke?” Prussia asked.

“I love karaoke… why?”

“I’m thinking about finding a DJ for the party, so we can have that option.”

“Oh? Who do you have in mind?”

Prussia shrugged. “One of our kind, but I’m not sure who though.” He figured he could get a micro-nation to help out… or maybe one of America’s states. Having two Americans in one place, that would be interesting. A fourth video popped up and Liechtenstein came to view.

“Hallo, zusammen!” Liechtenstein said, smiling cheerily.

After another round of hellos, Poland asked, “So, what’s the call for, Tino?”

“We still haven’t decided on a theme. I’ve already talked with the new bosses, and I have the day set. But we need to finish the invitations and that requires a theme.”

“Do we really have to have one?” Prussia groaned, “It sounds too formal.”

“It needs to be somewhat official. There are going to be bosses present.”

“Why not just a simple black and white party?” Poland brought up.

“That seems a bit too formal,” Liechtenstein pointed out, “If we’re introducing the new bosses to our world, that really isn’t the way to do it.”

“Any sort of theme is going to be somewhat restricting,” Finland said, “But it is a sense of normalcy.”

“Why not have it be a costume party?” Prussia asked. “People can wear what they want, and it is still themed. And if you want to be more specific, make it historical.”

“I love it,” Liechtenstein said, “We can wear our old uniforms.”

“And Finland can be Santa,” Poland said grinning.

“Only if you are going to be a high school girl,” Finland said with a playfully dangerous look. “But I do like the idea. It would be a lot more fun.”

“So…” Prussia was on the edge of his seat, “We have this as a costume party?”

“All in favor?” Liechtenstein said.

Everyone raised their hands.

“I’ll get the invitations done up then,” Prussia offered.

“Just remember that the same ones are going to our bosses,” Finland said.

“Ja, ja. They’ll be normal enough for them, but still awesome because they are done by me.” A strained cheep came from Prussia’s pocket. Carefully, he took out Gilbird, who was trying to be excited, but it took a lot of effort on the small bird’s part.

“Aw, he’s so cute,” Liechtenstein said.

“He doesn’t look too good,” Finland said.

“Nein… I’m sure he’ll get better soon.” Though, there was a nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach about that.

“You should get him a little scarf,” Poland suggested, “Keep him warm with the weather being colder.

“I’ll keep that in mind… And I’ll let you all know when I get a DJ.”

“Before we all go, would plus ones be allowed?” Poland asked.

Finland thought for a moment before saying, “Yeah. Prussia, make sure you make one talking about the plus one and one without to give to the bosses.”

Prussia started grinning, “So, that means I can make one only we get to see?”

“Please don’t get any weird ideas,” Finland said, slowly cringing.

“Too late for that, Tino.” Prussia was still grinning.

“Dad!” a young voice called out on Finland’s end, “This homework is hard.”

Finland couldn’t help but smile, “Sorry, I have to go. I was hoping to talk for longer.”

“I’ll let you all know when I have a place. My brother is taking me to a few places to scout out a venue,” Liechtenstein said.

Finland and Liechtenstein left the call.

“Say, Gil,” Poland said, “Do you think that whatever is going on with that bird has something to do with you?”

“Now what makes you say that?” Prussia knew what Poland was getting at, but really didn’t want to admit it.

“Gilbird has been your companion for a few centuries, right?”

“He’s gotten sick before,” Prussia said, “He’s going to be fine. He just needs rest. I gave him some birdy medicine.”

Poland’s phone started ringing his national anthem. “Seems like something is going on,” Poland said, looking at his phone, “I’ll talk to you later. Take care of yourself, ok?”

Prussia nodded, but as the call ended, he knew that this couldn’t be anything much… surely not, he had important things he had to do.

Germany was grateful to see his home as he pulled into the driveway. It was a normal sort of place that most people had; there was a different house that used to be Prussia’s place when his country was still around. Germany’s house was modern and more homey. Prussia’s old place was just a show off. Kinda like that nation.

Germany let out a sigh once he closed the door. He had a lot to think about and he honestly just wanted to sleep. Whatever strange energy he got from the hypnosis had long worn off. Though… he was kind of hungry.

“West!” Prussia said, smiling excitedly. Blackie came bounding up to Germany as he entered the kitchen. “You came home!”

“I left you a message saying I was coming back,” Germany said, partially amused.

“I know, I know. But, still! So, how did your trip go?” Prussia sat Germany in one of the kitchen stools and went to grab some left over bratwurst.

“It was fine. I went to go see Northern Ireland.”

Prussia slowly turned around and looked at his brother. “Why were you there of all places to take a vacation? It’s wet eternally over there.”

“Not all the time. And there were a few things I wanted to talk to that nation about.”

Prussia withheld the food, wanting more information. “Was this about what you were talking to Ireland about at the world meeting? You never said what that was about.”

Germany mulled what to tell his brother. “I needed to talk to someone. It would be easier if I was human and I could talk to a therapist, but…”

Prussia put down the plate, so that Germany could have the food on it, and pulled up a stool to sit across from his brother. “You have been spacing out a lot more. You know you can talk to me, right?”

“As much as I appreciate it, I did need to talk to someone outside of who I usual talk to. Someone unattached. Please, don’t take it personally.”

“So? What’s been going on?”

“I really don’t want to talk about it tonight.”

“Oh…” Prussia looked deflated.

“But, I was wondering, tomorrow, if you could help me with something. I was thinking about finally tackling the attic tomorrow. It needs to get cleaned out.”

“Sure… but usually clean outs are done in the spring.”

“Ja, well,” Germany tried to think of an excuse that sounded natural enough. He couldn’t think of one. “It was suggested I do this now. Besides, I’ve been meaning to do so.”

Prussia smirked, “This might not be a bad idea. Especially since we have determined a theme for the party next month.”

“And what may that be?”

“Historical costume party.”

“So, what, we wear old uniforms?” Germany wasn’t too keen on that idea.

“Or traditional clothing. There’s a bunch of crap up there we could use.”

“We’ll see.”

“I’ll be happy as long as you don’t dress up in a modern uniform… or suit. Oh! I wonder if Roderich’s old paintings are up there too.”

Germany let Prussia talk as he finished dinner. He was glad he could get his brother on board with the clean out plan. Though, it usually wasn’t hard to get Prussia on board with any idea.


	3. Chapter 3

Germany had known the day before that the clouds were very dark. It still surprised him when it started downpouring the following day. The dogs whimpered; they could hear thunder off in the distance. When Germany and Prussia went up to the attic to get a look at what was in store for them, they both could hear the rain pounding on the roof.

“Good thing the roof is new,” Prussia said jokingly as he turned on the light, “And that this isn’t hail.”

“Why would it hail this time of year?”

Prussia shrugged, “Birdy was telling me about it a few days ago. They were the size of golf balls! He even sent me pictures. Look.” Prussia pulled up a picture on his phone and handed it to Germany.

“That looks terrifying,” Germany admitted. As much as most everyone said that Australia lived in a very terrifying place, there were some things that are equally as terrifying that Canada just causally mentioned like it was no big deal. It was little wonder why Prussia was attracted to the guy.

The attic was very dusty, which didn’t surprise Germany in the slightest. It floated in the air, and he wished it wasn’t raining so he could have opened a window to air out the place. There were trunks everywhere, as well as a few crates and wardrobes. There was also one corner towards the back that had stuff there covered by a black cloth.

“Oh, look, your little junk box.” Prussia grabbed a small shoe box that lay on top of one of the trunks. “Do you still have those baby bloomers in there?”

“What?” Germany spotted Holy Roman Empire, looking both panicked and embarrassed.

“You do!” Prussia pulled out a pair of baby bloomers. They looked clean enough, though Germany wondered why he would keep something like that.

“Please tell me this is some prank of yours.”

“Nope. I think you were holding onto these when I found you out on the battle field. I still can’t figure out why these were important.” Prussia shrugged and handed the box to Germany. “Everything else is kinda boring.”

Germany lifted the lid to the box. There were several pencil sketches that were a mix of professional and childish, pressed cornflowers, and a metal black eagle. He vaguely remembered shoving these items in the box and throwing it up in the attic shortly after world war two. Germany closed the box and put it to the side; he was going to have to go through it properly later.

“Now, let’s see what’s here!” Prussia said, throwing open the closest chest. Dust from the top of the chest went flying. Inside lay children’s toys, mostly made from wood. Prussia took out a small rocking horse. “I can’t believe we still have this.”

There was one toy that caught Germany’s attention. It was a wooden sword, unpainted. Picking it up, he realized how light it was and saw it was scrapped up with scratches and dents. It had seen action. Germany closed his eyes.

“ _Will you teach me how to fight?”_

_“You’re young. You won’t need to go to war for a while.”_

_“But war might come to me. Bruder… please?”_

_Germany looked up to the eyes of his brother, who had this odd look of melancholy in his red eyes. It was daytime, with a blue sky and the sun shining brightly. “You are way too mature for your own good. You know that, right? But, alright, Ludwig. I’ll teach you how to fight. Here.” Prussia picked up a nearby stick and tossed it to Germany. “You’re going to need that.”_

_Germany examined the stick, unamused. “Why not a real sword?”_

_“We’ll build up to it,” Prussia reassured him, “Get confident and good with the stick and we can move onto a real sword.”_

_“…at least give me something that won’t snap in half.”_

_Prussia laughed. “Again, Lud, you are so serious.”_

_“War isn’t a laughing matter.”_

_“Ja, but your face right now is. Lighten up. You look like you are at a funeral. Please. I know full well war isn’t a laughing matter, but there’s nothing coming for you any time soon. If you do well enough with the sick we can use an actual sword. Mien Gott, I didn’t even start with a metal blade and I was with knights!”_

“West?” Prussia asked in the present time, “Are you there?”

Germany was brought out of his thoughts as his brother shook his shoulders. “Ja, I’m here.”

“You spaced out for a while there.” Prussia looked deeply concerned.

“I… just remembered something. You… we… Did you make this?” Germany motioned to the wooden sword in his hand.

“…ja, I did. You wanted to sword fight, and thought sticks were dumb. So I made this until you were ready for a metal one. Still can’t believe it survived this long.”

Germany looked back at the trunk. “Did you make all of them?”

“Nein, only like three? This one,” Prussia pointed at the wooden horse, “You made. You liked whittling and making things by hand. You were terrible at first, but got better with practice.”

“How did I get into it?”

“You really want to know?”

Germany nodded. “It’s part of the healing process… that I remember my past.”

Prussia blinked in surprise. Not that Germany could blame him. Germany’s current mind set is a complete one-eighty from even a few years ago. “Well, I’m not exactly sure how it started. You were already interested in the craft and such. The first thing you ever made was… oh, hold on, maybe it’s in here.” Prussia dug through the trunk and eventually emerged with a wooden blob with eyes. “Aha! Die Ente!”

Germany stared at the creation in horror. “How is that a duck?”

“I asked the same question. You were determined to make a good duck though, and made continuously made ducks for like three months. You got pretty good at it too.”

Germany traced the shape of the sad looking duck with his finger as Prussia continued looking through the chest. The edges were rough, even thought they had been sanded down.

_A wooden block and a whittling knife were in Germany’s hands. He had trouble getting the knife to carve out where and how much he wanted. The frustration built up within Germany to the point where the threw both objects down. It shouldn’t had been this difficult. His heart pained him for a moment and he sighed. Germany picked up the block and whittling knife. “Try again,” said a voice from within him belonging to a distant forgotten memory, “Art isn’t something you can master in a day.”_

Germany closed his eyes, and tried to focus on the source of the voice. It certainly wasn’t his own. It was kind, gentle, patient… familiar. Germany wished he had a name or a face. Something more tangible.

“Concedi a tutti noi la tua grazia per ben vivere e ben morire, e la tua gloria per contemplare il tuo volto e amarti per l'eternità.” Italy got to the end of his prayers in a bit of a haze. He forgot how long he had been outside, but definitely long enough to be soaking wet. In his hand was his rosary, his thumb and forefinger holding the last bead in the main circle part of the item. This rosary had been with him for a few centuries; what set this apart from most rosaries was that instead of a cross, there was a ceramic cornflower hanging from the end. “Amen.” He put the ceramic flower up to his lips in a gentle kiss, before laying the rosary on the grave in front of him.

Italy shivered as he stood up. He felt like he was coming out of a trance as he did so. It was raining still, and it had gotten colder and darker than when he first arrived to the grave. ‘What time is it even?’ Italy thought as he fumbled around for his mobile phone. It was off, and no matter how many times Italy tried to get it to turn back on, it refused.

The Italian sighed, and started to trudge back to the nearby village. He wasn’t looking forward to the phone conversation that was probably going to ensue when Romano would finally get a hold of Italy. There would be a lot of swearing, and then crying. Romano was the emotional type.

Walking along the muddy road, Italy made a mental list of things he needed to do come the morrow. Well, he needed to throw the cell phone in rice when he got a room at a nearby inn. And hopefully, the phone would work again. If not, he would have to get a new phone. And then get back home to Venice and move on with his life. Maybe get the courage to ask Ludwig out. Italy started coughing violently. He needed to get out of the rain.

Italy put up the hood of his coat in the hope of getting the rain out of his face. It didn’t work well; it just made his hair even more wet. He continued shivering. He was numb all over; his fingertips were slightly blue. ‘That’s not good,’ Italy thought vaguely.

On the road, a car drove by. Italy had to shield his eyes from the sudden bright light. The car came to a stop, and a door closed. “Geht es dir gut?” asked a German voice.

It took Italy a moment to recognize the voice. He tried peering through the light. “Ludwig?” he asked questioningly.

“Feliciano? What are you doing here?”

“I…” The dizziness that he had been feeling overwhelmed the Italian, and he fell to his knees. Next thing he knew, Germany had run up to him and put him in the car. It was warm, and it hurt.

“You’re soaking wet…” Germany said, shuffling around the trunk for something, “How long have you been out in this rain? Why are you even over here?” Italy was suddenly covered by a blanket.

“There… was… I…” It was hard forming words. Italy felt exhausted, and just wanted to sleep. He let his eyes close.

Italy could feel Germany gently putting his face. “Feliciano,” Germany said, his voice a little louder than an inside voice, “Please, I need to you stay awake until we get to the house. Sing in you have to, but please stay awake.”

Italy groaned. He knew Germany was right, but it was aggravating all the same. He was drained in every part of the word possible. He opened his eyes. “Lovino and Antonio are finally dating. Though, right now, Antonio is busy with stuff at his place. I think they’re going to have their first real date when we all go to Switzerland for the party. Whenever and wherever that is.”

“So what’s Lovino doing?”

“He’s taking Sebastian around the country and fixing up old statues.”

“That’s nice of him to bring Sebastian along.”

“He would have gone alone had I not insisted that he needed another pair of hands.”

“Besides yours?”

“I had stuff I needed to do.” Though, Italy did have to admit that he felt guilty about it, even though Romano was cool with the idea and even convinced Italy to go through with it in the first place.

Once the car got back to Germany’s house, Italy held tight to the side of the car as Germany grabbed a carton of milk from the back. The two of them walked together into the house.

“Gilbert, I’m back. Can you please take your milk?” Germany said, closing the front door. Italy held tight to him, worried about his balance.

“Ja, sure. But why… oh, Ita!” Prussia’s face went on a roller coaster from confused to excited to concerned. “You look sick. Are you ok?”

Italy wasn’t sure if he could talk. He felt nauseous again, and the room was spinning. He tightened his grip on Germany’s arm.

“We need to get him warmed up and dried off. Just take your milk.” Once Prussia took the milk, Germany scooped up Italy and took him to the guest room upstairs. Looking up at Germany in that position, Italy couldn’t help but blush. Sure, this wasn’t the first time Germany had to carry him like this, but it always made him blush.

Germany sat Italy on the bed and went to grab a towel and a fresh change of clothes. The nausea lessened to something more manageable and the spinning wasn’t as violent. “I must look like an idiot,” Italy said as he started drying his hair.

“Nein. You look like you just swam out of a battle.”

“I feel like an idiot.”

“I can’t help with that.”

Italy threw the towel at Germany, though it missed by a grand margin. He didn’t have the strength to lob it properly. Eventually, he took off his wet shirt and slipped on the one Germany brought.

“Why didn’t you say you were coming around the area?” Germany asked, as Italy was changing pants. Germany had turned around by that point, though Italy thought he saw the German slightly blushing. “Not that it’s much of my business… it just seems out of character for you.”

“I… this wasn’t supposed to be a long trip,” Italy said, “There was something I had to do.”

“In the middle of the storm?”

“I wasn’t planning for it to be raining… I wasn’t planning on being out there all afternoon…” He should have though. He planned battles at one point. He had to be a decent strategist for that. “I have pants on.”

Germany turned around and felt Italy’s cheeks and checked his hands. “You’re not blue anymore, which is a good sign.”

“Can I sleep now?” Italy couldn’t help but whine. It slipped out like that.

“Ja, I think you should be alright. Just pass out under the blankets rather than over them.” Germany headed out of the room.

Italy, as quickly as he could being tired, dizzy, and sore, jumped up and grabbed Germany’s arm. “Will… will you stay? For a little bit, like until I fall asleep. I just… don’t want to be alone right now.”

Germany looked down at Italy for a moment, then smiled kindly. “I’ll stay as long as you need me.”

Italy curled up underneath the blankets as Germany turned off the lights. “I’m surprised you haven’t hounded on what I was doing,” Italy mused.

“Tomorrow, I will ask. I was more worried about you being ok and not getting sick.”

“I still might.”

“I hope not. You’re very clingy when you’re sick.”

Italy sheepishly laughed. “Guilty as charged. But I’ll do my best not to get sick so you won’t have to worry about me.”

“I still will.”

Italy sighed. “I know…” The warmth of the room around finally stopped hurting him and he could let himself relax a little. He closed his eyes, and tried his best not to cry out of relief and grief. He had already done enough of that for one day.

“Hey,” Prussia said when Germany finally came back downstairs. By that point, Prussia had finished making pancakes and there was a heaping plate of them on the kitchen counter. “What happened? Why is Feli here? Not that I’m not happy to see him, but did he tell you he was coming?”

Germany shook his head, “I’ll ask him about it later. Apparently, he didn’t come with anyone.”

That worried Prussia more than it should. He knew Italy could handle his own, but the way he came into the house bothered him. Just what was he doing? “Say, where did you find him?”

“On the road.”

“Ja, but where?” A thought struck him. “Was it on that road overlooking the meadow and the stream? With the rickety fence?”

“Yes… why?” Germany’s face was a mix of both impressed and confused.

“Well, that explains why Feli looks close to a zombie. He probably went to visit Holy Roman Empire’s grave.”

The look of horror on Germany’s face slightly shook Prussia. “First of all, why is there a grave in the middle of a meadow instead of in a graveyard?”

Prussia shrugged, “I thought it was a good idea. It’s not like it’s marked with a grave stone. It’s just a large rock and a mound.”

“Why would Feliciano care about Holy Roman Empire?”

“Feliciano knew him and I think cared for him a lot. He was heartbroken when he heard the news of Holy Roman Empire’s death.” Prussia had seen Italy’s face. It was like watching a stain-glass window break. “When you care about someone so much, you don’t really ever get over their death.”

“…it’s been a few centuries, though.” Prussia could see that Germany didn’t really get it.

“Maybe so, but we all grieve differently.” Prussia himself was a broken mess for a long time when the Old Fritz passed away. Even to the present time, it was still something he carried with him in his heart. There are some deaths that refuse to be forgotten. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Italian is from the last part of the rosary prayer.  
> Geht es dir gut? - Are you alright?


	4. Chapter 4

It took Italy a few moments to remember where he was and why. Yesterday felt like a vague nightmare more than anything. He outstretched his arm for his prayer beads, then remembered that he didn’t have them anymore. He would have to make a new set… eventually. As much as getting prayer beads was a simple matter, Italy preferred making his own. There was more of a connection to them in that way.

The first thing Italy did was look at the damage done to the bag he brought on the trip. Most of it was a change of clothes, which were still wet. He was so upset that it was raining. ‘Why the hell would it rain in Germany?’ he thought bitterly as he started laying out clothes on the floor to dry better.

Then he found the Bible he had brought with him to read on the train ride to and from Germany. It was a paperback, and thusly was soaked through to the point where the print was smudged on many pages. Italy was going to have to get it replaced… he sat there in the middle of the room with the Bible in his hands trying to will the book dry again. He knew that wasn’t going to work, but he was so fed up with yesterday.

And then there was the problem with his phone, which was lying in a pile of wet clothes all night. Italy doubted there was any saving it, but he had to try. Japan taught him a trick with regards to wet technology using rice. Taking a deep breath, Italy got up and headed downstairs for the kitchen.

Germany was already in the kitchen when Italy got down there. He was cooking sausage on the stove. On the table were rolls and some cheese. It made Italy pause at the doorway for a moment. He knew full well that Germany would hound him over what happened yesterday. Did he want to deal with it right then? No… but he did need to try to save his phone.

“Bonjurno,” Italy said, coming into the kitchen proper, “Do you have any rice?”

Germany turned around with a quizzical look on his face, “Rice?”

Italy held up his phone. “It kinda got wet yesterday…”

Germany rummaged around the cabinets. Rice was definitely something Germany did not use very often, except if he was expecting a rice loving visitor. “Here,” the German eventually said, pulling out a small bag of rice, “But, depending how long you were out, I don’t think it will do you much good. Especially not now.”

Italy slammed the phone into the sack. “I have to try.” Though, maybe it was just a false hope that Italy could still save it. Romano was going to be pissed when he found out.

Germany moved the sausage to a plate as Italy looked intently at the rice bag. “So,” Germany spoke up, “Why were you outside all by yourself yesterday?”

Italy sighed and took a seat on one of the stools. “I had to bring closure to something that has been hanging over my life. A friend, who I lost a long time ago… I have to put him behind me. About time too…” Out of habit, Italy reached to his pocket to find his prayer beads. It took him a second to remember that he no longer had them.

“…out in the middle of the rain?”

“You make it sound like that I was planning for the rain.” Italy could kill the rain. “I wasn’t. Really.”

Germany took a step back. “Sorry… I just hope that you don’t catch a cold. Can I ask who this person was?”

“Holy Roman Empire.” There was a hollow sound with saying his name outloud. It was a name that was full of life once, but those days had long since passed.

Germany slowly nodded.

“So, what about you?” Italy asked, diverting the conversation to something else, “How are things here? And what did you want with Ireland after the world meeting? That was out of the blue.”

“Ja… I’m… I… I needed therapy.”

“From Ireland?”

“I’m seeing his brother.”

“…is everything ok?”

“It will be. Gilbert and I are cleaning out the attic and going through old things. It’s supposed to help.” Italy stared hard at Germany, hoping to press more details from him, which worked. “I’m missing a large chunk of my memories and its started to effect my psyche. I’m hoping this clean out reawakens some of them.”

“You lost them?”

“Yes and no. These are memories that I have long been avoiding. It’s only now that I see the negative consequences of that.”

“Which are?”

“…my childhood self keeps haunting me. Staring at me with this disapproving glare usually. I know now that it’s because he wants me to find someone from my past.”

Italy was surprised. Germany usually had this outlook of that the past was meant to stay as such; that to look back was near pointless. “I can try to help… though I don’t think that will help much…”

Germany didn’t answer right away. He looked at Italy as if trying to find an answer before saying, “I can take all the help I can get.”

“What did you forget exactly? If you really know.”

“My childhood. The unification is all a blur and everything before then is a complete blank.”

“That’s really weird. Why? Again, if you know…” Italy didn’t expect an answer.

“Not personally, no.” Germany shook his head. “But, I died and…”

Italy’s face paled. “DIED? As a child?”

“Calm down… and yes. I wish I could say more to what happened, but…” The German shrugged.

A thought blossomed in Italy’s head, and he really didn’t like the thought of it and thusly shoved it out of his mind as quickly as he could. Germany couldn’t be. It wasn’t possible. And Italy was not in the state to explore that possibility. “How long do you think my phone has to be in the rice for?”

The question caught Germany off guard. “Um… I’m not sure. You should check on it tonight.”

‘A whole day,’ Italy thought, staring once again at the rice bag, ‘Can Romano wait a day?’

In the afternoon, Germany showed Italy the attic. There wasn’t much changed, except that there were two less chests in the room. It was still incredibly dusty. “I’m surprised you didn’t clean the place first,” Italy said, “How can you breathe up here?” Together, the two of them dusted and washed the place to make it a little more bearable. It surprised Germany that Italy suggested this to be the first thing they do, however he did agree. He should have done it yesterday.

“So, you have no idea what’s in these wardrobes?” Italy asked, getting close to one of them.

“Nein. It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. More than 50 years.”

“I can believe it with all the dust.” After getting all the dust off it, Italy threw open the doors. “Say, Ludwig? Was Gilbert the one who put stuff up here in the first place?”

“Some. Why?” Germany turned around. Italy had pulled out a black cloak made for a child. It looked like it had been through hell, with dried and faded blood stains all over it, as well as rips and holes.

Italy didn’t say anything, but rather nodded and put the cloak back in the closet. “Kinda an odd thing to keep up here, right?” Italy eventually asked, his voice shaking.

“Without cleaning it first, yes,” Germany walked over to get a better look at the cloak. He had seen it before… somewhere.

‘It’s almost like you used to wear it all the time,’ a young voice said in a different part of the room. In a corner by one of the trunks was Holy Roman Empire, in the cloak Germany was look at, except it was clean.

Germany stared at Holy Roman Empire. He felt it was unfair that this boy could make remarks and all that, and Germany had no way of responding without sounding like he lost it. The ghost child met the gaze head on. Germany closed his eyes and took the cloak downstairs. He would try washing it before deciding its fate.

He laid it out on his bed and a memory stirred. _He could hear humming from another room. A beautiful sound, like the voice of an angel. He followed the voice and found the girl who worked in the house. She wore a green dress and a white apron._

_“Hello?”_

_The girl turned around, her bright amber eyes wide in surprise. The humming stopped. “I’m sorry, Mr. Holy Rome,” she said._

_“No, no, please. Continue.” He felt himself get very flustered. “You have a very nice voice.”_

_“Thank you, sir…”_

Germany blinked and snapped out of the memory. The girl in the green dress… that was the person he needed to find the fate of. She knew he was a nation, but who was she? Pretty, that was for sure. And her smile seemed to fill the room.

_“Mr. Austria treats you terribly,” Holy Roman Empire said, as he watched the girl pick flowers in the meadow, “How can you smile like that?”_

_“Well, I can’t feel sorry for myself. I know one day I’ll go back home and see my family again. That’s what keeps me smiling.” The girl smiled again, though there was a bit of sadness in her eyes._

Italy was working on the window when Germany went back to the attic. He diligently worked at the corners of it. Germany went back to the wardrobe. There were some other cloaks of Holy Roman Empire’s, as well as some of Prussia’s old uniforms. He took out one in particular. It was a white knight’s uniform, sized perfectly for a child.

“Who’s is that?” Italy asked, coming over.

“Gilbert’s… I think…” It certainly wasn’t his, in any capacity. The uniform was clean and well preserved.

Italy picked up a black hat with a gold boarder around it. He looked at it for a very long time, before putting the hat on his head. It didn’t exactly suit him well; the hat didn’t fit on his head properly. Taking the hat off, he instead reached up and put in on top of Germany’s head lopsided. It fit him surprisingly well.

Germany looked up at it for a moment, before adjusting it so that it sat on his head properly. ‘I’m surprised this still fits,’ he thought, looking at himself in the mirror on the wardrobe door.

“West!” Prussia called out, coming up to the attic. “Have you seen…” He stopped when he saw Germany in the hat.

“Yes?” Germany asked, slowly taking off the hat. ‘Maybe I shouldn’t wear this around…’

Prussia walked over to Germany and put the hat back on him. Then took the hat off, messed up Germany’s perfectly brushed back hair so that his bangs showed, then put the hat back on him.

“Are you done?” Germany asked, raising an eyebrow.

“For now.” Prussia took the hat off Germany again and tried to fix his hair, which only made it worse. “Look,” Prussia eventually said, giving up on the hair styling, “Have you seen Gilbird?”

“I thought he was in your room in that little bed you made for him.”

Prussia took a moment to think about it, then slowly turned around and climbed back down. Germany tried not to shake his head.

“Let’s hope he’s down there,” Germany said.

“What makes you say that?” Italy asked.

“It’s just… a bad feeling…” Germany couldn’t shake that something was changing with Prussia. It was his intuition, and he hoped that it was wrong.

Prussia panicked for a good ten minutes, running around his room looking for Gilbird. He wasn’t in the bed, and he was starting to worry about what became of his little birdy friend. The two of them had been through a lot together. If anything were to happen to the little critter, Prussia wouldn’t know what to do with himself.

He eventually opened his closet door, where sitting on top of the clothes hamper was Gilbird, a tired look in its eyes. Prussia scooped up his little friend and held the bird gently close. “Don’t scare me like that again,” Prussia said quietly. It took him a long time to calm down back to his normal self. Ever since getting bitten by Blackie, he had been on edge. Healing didn’t work on him like it normally did. What else could go wrong?

“Gilbert?” Italy’s voice came into the room. The Italian didn’t look quite right. He usually was this bundling force of energy, which Prussia loved being around. Italy at that moment seemed to be holding back. “Can we talk?”

“Yeah, Feli… what’s wrong?”

Italy sat at the edge of the bed. “Can you tell me what happened to Holy Roman Empire? What really happened? I’ve been told that he just disappeared, but that isn’t true. Is it?” There was a strong look of determination in Italy’s eyes even though the rest of his face was crestfallen.

Prussia got nervous. France told him a long time ago that Italy knew what happened. That he told the Italian everything, and didn’t want to talk about Holy Roman Empire any more. Prussia respected that. Apparently there was a disconnect. “He didn’t disappear. He was left for dead on the battle field. I found him after the battle was over and brought his body home with me.

“So he is dead,” Italy said bluntly.

Prussia cringed.

“That should be a simple answer, right?”

“At what point does a person die?” Prussia answered using a question, “Because everything that was Holy Roman Empire did die, but his body lived on and someone else walks in it.” He twirled the black hat he got from the attic.

Italy stared at the hat. His eyes swelled with tears, but none broke over. “Why does this still hurt?” he asked himself quietly.

“Because we never got to say goodbye to him. Not properly. It was more of a see-you-later goodbye rather than a permanent one. And there is no way to take that back.”

Italy nodded and stood up. “Gratzi.” He was halfway out of the room when he stopped and turned to Prussia. “Oh, did you find Gilbird?”

“Oh, ja, he was just hanging out in the closet. He seems comfortable in there, so I’ll leave him there with the door open, whenever he wants to come out.” Prussia beamed, and then his phone started ringing with the tune of Canada’s national anthem. He scrambled to pick it up. “Hey, my other favorite birdy!”

“I thought Gilbird got moved to other,” Canada said, in an amused tone.

“Can’t you both be my favorite birdies?”

Canada chuckled a little.

“So, what’s up, Mattie?”

“Just a small question about Excalibur, since you have seen it. Did it ever talk to you?”

“Since when can swords talk?”

“Magic. I take it that it didn’t?”

“No. It was just a normal sword. It looked awesome though. Why do you ask? And, by the way, you still owe me an explanation for what happened at the meeting. You explained the magic thing, which is fine, but not why you’re eyes started randomly glowing then.”

“Right… hey, Al!” Prussia could hear a crashing sound on the other end of the phone. Canada sounded miffed. “Next time, I will. I promise. I have to get Alfred back home first. Or at least out of my place…”

“Why?”

“Later. When I’m not getting killed by flying plates. Wish me luck, snow bear.”

Prussia couldn’t help but blush a little. He loved the pet name Canada gave him. “Good luck then, birdy.” Next time, though, he was going to hound Canada for answers.

Italy was still in the doorway, grinning. When Prussia asked him about it, all he said was, “I’m a romantic. I can’t help it.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a heads up before I start this chapter - This Kugelmugel is inspired by Kyokoon's depiction of them in House of Winter; as a non-binary individual myself, I thought this was a great headcannon and really wanted to run with it. Kugelmugel in this is non-binary and their pronouns are they/them.

Prussia twirled Holy Roman Empire’s hat around as he watched Finland make edits on the official poster Prussia had just finished. He wanted to have a fun costume, but there weren’t any ideas coming. However, he had a great idea for Germany’s. Why not have his brother go as Holy Roman Empire? The only problem was that Germany would never agree to it.

“How’s Gilbird?” Finland asked, still working on the poster. He was recoloring the festival mask. “Has he been doing better?”

Prussia looked over at his bird friend. The bird hadn’t gotten any better, and has kept to the little bed. “I wish. I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Has he gone outside? That usually brings a pet’s spirits up.”

“Maybe I should. I could use a good walk outside too. West, Feli, and I have been cleaning out the attic.”

“That’s unusual for something like that to happen in the autumn.”

“West really wanted to do it. It’s a part of his therapy…” Prussia mentally kicked himself for sharing. He said he wouldn’t, because Ludwig felt awkward about it. “Please don’t tell anyone. West doesn’t want anyone really knowing about it.”

“I won’t tell,” Finland said quickly, “I get it. Is it helping him?”

Prussia shrugged, “He hasn’t told me. But, I get to talk about Holy Roman Empire. I haven’t really done that in years. It’s been good.”

“No good audience?”

“Well, Ludwig didn’t want to hear any of it before. And with Roderich and Elizabeta… there’s only so much you can hear of the same stories. Especially when you were there.”

“Gold or white?” Finland asked, switching the main color of the mask between the two colors.

“Gold.”

“That didn’t take much thought.”

“I know what looks good. Elisabeta taught me well about colors.”

Finland looked at the gold mask. “Poster has to be parchment color then. What’s your favorite story you haven’t told in a while?”

That caught Prussia off guard. “What?”

“What’s your favorite story you haven’t told in a while? I love a good story, and I know how it feels when you overtell a story to the point no one wants to hear it.”

Prussia took a moment to think about it. He had so many stories, but, then again, most nations did. “This was during this period of time when Holy Roman Empire was on an art kick. He loved it, and he would learn all the time from Italy how to paint well. There was one day, I was over there on some business and I stumbled upon this painting Holy Roman Empire did. It wasn’t the prettiest thing I have ever seen, but oh mien Gott was it the cutest thing ever. It was half done at that time, but it was of Italy curled up like a cat on a chair. Holy Roman Empire was so flustered about the whole thing and tried to push me out of the room, but then, Italy popped up with his broom. He immediately saw the painting and Holy Roman Empire was so embarrassed about it.”

“That’s so cute though.”

“I know, right? The better part is that Italy helped him finish it. I still have that painting somewhere… I hope. I haven’t seen it in ages.”

“Send me a picture of it when you do. I’d love to see it.”

“Hey, speaking of younger nations, how’s Sealand doing? I heard on RumorMill that there was some interesting stuff happening with him.”

Finland gave a bit of a grimace. “You actually read RumorMill?” It was a website that the nation kind use to talk about all kinds of things, and was mostly used by smaller nations, micronations, and those with nothing else better to do.

“So?” Prussia exaggerated a shrug, “I get some good news on there that West doesn’t tell me. Well?”

“Because Great Britain was dissolved, Sealand technically isn’t tied to a nation. So, he is making a case for his nationhood. That isn’t happening until May, so he has plenty of time to prepare… in theory.”

“You don’t think he will?”

“It’s not that. Berwald and I are more worried about how. Peter has been doing this on his own, saying he doesn’t want help in this. I just hope that it goes over well.”

Prussia grinned a little. “I’m sure it will. He just needs to be steered in the right direction.”

“…and hold my breath until it’s over. The wait is agony.”

“Bruder?” Germany knocked on the doorframe of Prussia’s room. “Lunch is almost ready.”

“I’ll leave you to it,” Finland said, “If you can look over the poster again before sending it out… and make sure it is this one.”

“Of course, of course. It’ll be fine.” Prussia ended the call with Finland, then turned his chair to face Germany. “West, have you thought about what you are going to do for your costume?”

“Not really… maybe I’ll wear an old suit.”

“Oh, come on!”

“I’d rather not wear yodeling clothes.”

Prussia looked down at the hat. “Then why not wear this?”

Germany gave it a lot thought, taking the hat and tracing the gold outline of it. “Well, if I’m going to wear the hat, I might as well have a cloak made too.”

A giant smile lit up Prussia’s face. “You mean it?”

Germany nodded, “I don’t really have a better idea, and Feliciano has threatened cat ears if I wear a suit.”

Prussia snorted with laughter. “I’ll get someone to make one for you. Don’t worry about it. Now, you said lunch was ready?”

Italy was having a hard time trying to come up with a costume idea. Over the past several days, he had been thinking about a costume. The best he had gotten was going as a cat until he realized that it had to be historical. ‘There was that cat festival…’ he thought for a moment, then it disappeared real quick. No one was going to believe him about it.

He stared once again at his phone that had officially died. He knew that no matter what he did, it wasn’t going to work ever again. It was distressing on one part. However, he remembered vividly surviving and thriving without it. And now, he had a legitimate excuse to blow off his boss for a little while. Romano was still going to be pissed.

Germany’s house phone rang. Italy mildly wondered if it was Romano. His brother would never in a million years call Germany. He hated the guy, for some reason. The phone was probably Austria, or Hungary, or Switzerland. Even a phone call from England wouldn’t surprise Italy all that much.

“Feliciano?” Germany entered the sitting room, holding a house phone. “It’s for you.”

Italy raised an eyebrow. “Who is it?”

“Your brother.”

Italy tried not to look too dumbfounded as he took the phone. In the background, he could hear Romano swearing. “Ciao?” Italy asked hesitantly.

“Ciao, Veneziano,” Seborga said, a little awkwardly, “How are you doing?”

“Fine… what’s Romano so pissed about?”

“He couldn’t get a hold of you. He’s been calling around to everyone, but refused to call Germany. So I did.”

Italy could imagine how pissed Romano was. “My phone permanently died. I haven’t gotten around to getting a new one. I will soon, and I’ll let you both know when that happens.”

“You better do it fucking soon!” Romano said, slightly hijacking the phone. “Our boss has been on my ass because of it!”

Italy felt kinda guilty about it, up until Seborga said, “No he hasn’t.”

“He doesn’t have to know!”

“Lovino,” Italy wined slightly, “Please. Has our boss been looking for me?”

Romano was silent for a few moments. “…no. But he could have!”

“I’ll get a new phone by the end of the week,” Italy promised, “What’s the harm about being unplugged for a little while?”

“Tch, whatever.”

“We’re going to be in Rome by the end of the week,” Seborga said, trying to be helpful.

“Si,” Romano agreed, “There’s work that’s going to be done on the Basilica. The roof mostly.”

“Just be careful, ok?” Italy said, “Remember last time?”

“Yeah, yeah, I learned.” The last time there was a renovation on the Basilica, Romano had a pretty nasty fall and injury. Sure, he was only out for a few days because of nation healing, but those were a few scary days for everyone involved. “You better call before we get there though.”

“I will.” They said goodbyes and Italy hung up the phone. He felt bitter. Should he? Maybe. But he hated the feeling. It ate away at his insides, and it was mentally painful.

Germany felt it was about time to check in with Northern Ireland. Over the past few days, memories did bubble up. His fights with France. His days spent with the girl in the green dress. Austria, Hungary, and Prussia. But, what bothered him the most was that he had no memories of Italy. Even though it was apparent Italy was there. Italy knew Holy Roman Empire, and that was a fact.

“Memories are a tricky thing,” Northern Ireland said, “Maybe the right spark hasn’t come yet. Though I’m surprised. You said that you needed to find the girl in the green dress and you are more worried about Feliciano.”

Germany shrugged. “I just feel bad…”

“Don’t. Relax. It will come in time. You have to believe it. Why don’t we go back to the green dress girl. Does she have a name?”

Germany shook his head. “Nein. Well, I’m sure she does but I can’t get it. Whenever her name would pop up, it just slips away.”

Northern Ireland thought about it for a while. “I’m sure the name will come in time. Though I will suggest to keep an open mind. What about your younger self? Is he appearing more or less frequently?”

“About the same, but he has started talking to me.”

Northern Ireland looked concerned, “Good things?”

“He’s been snarky.”

“Is that in character for him?”

“When he is pissed.”

“There must be something you are missing.”

“There is, but he isn’t helpful.”

“I believe that. He is you. He is a projection of your inner thoughts. You are annoyed with yourself for not remembering green dress’ name. For not remembering Italy. Give yourself a bit of a break. Breathe. Maybe have a little fun.”

“West!” Prussia’s voice came from downstairs, “We have a guest.”

“Sorry,” Germany told Northern Ireland.

“Life happens,” Northern Ireland shrugged, “Just please be kind to yourself. I know that will be difficult, but at least try.”

Germany nodded and ended the call. He took a few moments to get his thoughts clear before heading downstairs. He caught of glimpse of Holy Roman Empire in the corner with a concerned look on his face. It wasn’t a good omen.

Both Prussia and Italy were in the sitting room, both with concerned looks on the same couch. Opposite of them was Kugelmugel, looking down at the floor. This was more than a bit of a surprise for Germany. The micronation was from Austria and under that nation’s care. For them to be there alone is highly questionable if not outright concerning.

“Hallo, Kugelmugel,” Germany said, “This is a surprise.”

Kugelmugel didn’t respond, their focus still on the ground.

“Kugel was just saying that they came over for a visit,” Prussia said, “Right?”

Kugelmugel gave a nod.

“Does Austria know you are here?” Germany asked.

“No,” Kugelmugel said in a quiet voice.

Germany sighed and pulled out his cell phone. Someone had to tell the Austrian.

“Wait,” Kugelmugel said as Germany started dialing Austria’s number, “I don’t want him to know.”

“He’s your guardian, though. It’s his responsibility to know where you are.”

“He doesn’t care. I want to know how long it takes him to notice I’m gone.”

Germany sighed. It pained him that this child was neglected. It certainly wasn’t the first time Kugelmugel ran off over to his house and Germany had brought up the issue to Austria several times. Sure, Austria didn’t ask to take care of this child, but if he didn’t want to step it up, he needed to give the child to someone who would at least try. “If he asks, I will tell him this was your idea.”

“If.” Kugelmugel brought their knees up. It was hard not to feel bad.

“Well, since you are staying,” Italy said, standing up, “Do you want to help me make dinner, Kugel?”

It took Kugelmugel a moment to think about it before they nodded and followed Italy out to the kitchen. Once the two of them were gone, Prussia immediately ran over to Germany and tried to take the cell phone.

“What? What?” Germany asked, trying to keep the phone away. “I’m not going to call Roderich so calm down.”

“You promise?”

“Ja, I promise. Relax.” Once Prussia backed off, Germany asked, “Why are you on edge about this?”

“Roderich should know better than this. How can you ignore a person like that?” Germany couldn’t help but feel that there was something else going on, something more personal. However, no matter how much prodding he did later, Prussia never elaborated.


	6. Chapter 5

Germany found Kugelmugel sketching in a notebook they brought with them. In Germany’s arms was a box of old records, the newest finding up in the attic. They weren’t that terribly old, however, it had been a while since Germany had listened to any of them. Life kinda got in the way. He was glad that the record player was still around.

Kugelmugel looked up from their sketching and watched as Germany pulled out a record containing music from the late 1700s. Germany popped in the record and let it start playing. The first song was rather somber, filled with violins and gentle instruments. It started out quiet enough, but grew in volume slowly and eventually, Kugelmugel got up to turn it down a bit.

“What do you think?” Germany asked Kugelmugel after a while, close to the end of the song.

Kugelmugel nodded in approval before going back to their sketch book.

“Hey, Ludwig,” Italy said, coming into the sitting room, “Can you help me with something?”

“What would that be?”

“I still haven’t thought of a costume for the party. And I really can’t decide what to wear.”

“A mask.” Kugelmugel said, “With the long nose.”

“Don’t you have a mask like that for carnival?” Germany agreed.

“Si… and I have been thinking about that…” Italy’s mind seemed to be elsewhere and Germany couldn’t help but wonder if there was something else going on. Usually, Italy was more vocal about things, but lately it seemed that there was something he was hiding.

The song changed to something more upbeat. A dancing song. “I haven’t heard this one in ages,” Italy said, smiling. He looked over to Kugelmugel and continued, “This used to be played at every party a few centuries ago. And everyone would dance.”

Germany recognized the song as such too. He noticed Holy Roman Empire sitting in a nearby chair and tapping along with the beat. “Say… would you like to demonstrate?” Germany asked Italy.

“I’d need a partner.”

“I volunteer.”

Italy beamed and wasted no time in taking Germany up on the offer. He took Germany by the hands and led him into a simple dance. Surprisingly enough, Germany knew the moves for the dance. Sidestep, sidestep, turn. Sidestep, sidestep, turn.

“ _Why is it that I never get to lead?”_

_Italy, in plain white shirt and brown trousers, looked up at Holy Roman Empire. “I’m sorry… I didn’t realize you wanted to. You said you didn’t know how to dance.”_

_“Don’t… I… I’m sorry.”_

_“Do you want to lead?”_

_Holy Roman Empire nodded. The two of them clumsily continued on the dance floor, and it made Holy Roman Empire feel incompetent._

_“You’re really bad at this,” Italy said, “We need to get you some more practice, though it will be really hard on the road.”_

_“You’d really help me, Feliciano?”_

_“You’re helping me get home. How could I not?” Italy beamed, and in Holy Roman Empire’s heart, there was a pang there. It was familiar…_

“Are you ok, Ludwig?” Italy asked. They had long stopped dancing, and Italy looked concerned. “You suddenly zoned out.”

“I remember you,” Germany said, “ I don’t know where we were but we danced to this song once.”

“Oh, sure, Roderich played this all the time at his parties. And you sucked at dancing, so I would always lead.”

Germany closed his eyes and thought back at what he remembered. The place looked nothing like Austria’s house. It seemed like a place in the countryside. Most of the people there were in common clothing, including Italy. The odd thing was that Italy had his rogue curl pinned to his head. Why? “But… we weren’t there… We were elsewhere…” Another memory stirred.

_Holy Roman Empire walked about the streets of Vienna, killing time until his small brigade was ready to head out again. They were traveling westward, merely checking up on his country. Dull business work where the most interesting thing would be the scenery as they past. He would rather be at home, where he could be with…_

_A sudden movement caught Holy Roman Empire’s eye, pulling him out of his head. A boy around his own physical age with his face covered in a cap dressed in a white shirt and brown trousers darted into an alleyway. Holy Roman Empire shouldn’t have given it any mind… but…_

_He followed the boy into the alley, where he tried to blend in against the wall, unsuccessful._

_“What are you doing?” Holy Roman Empire asked. He wasn’t sure if he should be amused by this or not._

_“I… uh… really like how the wall feels… it’s really woodlike.” The boy laughed sheepishly. His voice was kind of high pitched and singsongy… it reminded him vaguely of the girl back home… But this couldn’t be her. She wasn’t allowed outside the house alone._

_“You look scared.”_

_“It’s just… ah… I’m trying to get home, and there are people out there who don’t want me to go there, but I have to. I haven’t seen my home in so long and I miss it so much.” There were tears in his eyes._

_“I can help you home,” Holy Roman Empire said, without catching himself. He felt bad for this boy. “Where do you live?”_

_“Oh, please, you don’t have to do that. My home is all the way in Venice.”_

_Holy Roman Empire’s eyes grew wide. “And you are going back alone?”_

_“Si…”_

_“Then I will go with you. Traveling alone is dangerous.”_

_“But… I’m sure you are very busy, sir.”_

_“I don’t mind. You need help. What’s your name?”_

_“…Feliciano. And yours?”_

“Lud? You’re scaring me.” There was a concerned look on Italy’s face.

“I helped you get back home. You were going back to Venice alone and I helped you get there. We must have stopped at an inn that was having a local celebration.” Germany tried to rack his memories for more information, but nothing else wanted to come present.

Italy blinked slowly. “Oh… that… it was the first time I used my human name I think.”

The two of them looked at each other. Germany was relieved knowing for sure that Italy was there. Italy, on the other hand, seemed apprehensive.

“What’s wrong?” Germany asked.

“It’s just… Holy Roman Empire was the one to help me back then… You…”

“Well, don’t you two look like a pair of love birds,” Prussia said, coming into the room. He looked slightly amused despite his slight panic. “Have any of you seen Gilbird?”

It took Prussia a lot longer to find New York’s number than he would have liked. He thought he was better friends with the guy. Obviously, a reconnect was in order. He dialed the number and waited for New York to pick up. Prussia knew he shouldn’t be nervous… it really didn’t help his nerves at all.

“Yo, new phone, who this?”

“What? Did your old phone fall into the ocean or something? It’s Gilbert.”

“Captain!” New York said excitedly, “Sorry dude. It’s just that Penn stole my phone and changed all the names saved on it. You are currently “Hardass”… which might have been true a few centuries ago, but not really now. What can I do for ya?”

“So, we’re planning a welcome party for the new bosses and we need an awesome DJ. I was thinking you would be good because you work in the theatre and have to do sound stuff all the time.”

There was a long pause, and Prussia hoped that it was because New York was beyond excited. “Dude! Yes! Absolutely! Oh, this is going to be so much fun. Is there going to be karaoke?”

“That’s why I opted for a DJ. Because karaoke is the best. I’ll send you the details later.”

“This is great. And I get to see all of you again. Wait, who’s getting new bosses? I know Matt is, because Owen keeps talking about her.”

It took Prussia a moment to remember who Owen was: Ontario, one of Canada’s provinces. “Why?”

“Well, apparently this one is a really good one, which is promising for once. But she is just really confused about Matt and why he is there and that is causing a lot of tension at work.”

“Oh…” Canada never made a mention about it in the slightest. “Well, Vash and Australia are getting new bosses too.”

“Neat. Gotta get some good German and Australian songs in there then. If you have any suggestions, send them over.”

“…let me get back to you on that.”

“No rush. Anything I should know about this party? Is there a theme?”

“It’s a costume party. Historical theme. So you can be a colonial soldier.”

“Or someone from the 20’s. That was definitely my favorite style. I got to think about this.”

“One other thing… I need help with getting a few costumes made.”

“Sure, I know some good people. What of?”

Prussia grinned, “I’ll send you pictures later. I want to try something out, just for shits and giggles.”

“Sounds like a lot of fun. Can’t wait. Don’t forget measurements too.”

Prussia ended the call with New York, actually excited. Since Germany was going in as Holy Roman Empire, it would be a lot of fun going in as Germany, just to see how many people could tell. He would have to make sure New York would keep quiet about it, since the guy could be a chatter box at times.

“Can this day get any better, Gilbird?” Prussia said, turning to the bird bed. He expected to see his little buddy chirp a bit in agreement. However, Gilbird wasn’t there. “Gilbird?” Prussia stood up and looked around the room. He searched all around, his fear rising within him. Sure, he did take Gilbird for a walk, however he knew that the bird came back inside. And there was no window in Prussia’s room.

He ran upstairs and into the sitting room, where Germany and Italy were staring at each other like long lost lovers and Kugelmugel was sketching. Prussia looked at the sketch and had to admit to two things. The first was that Kugelmugel was really good with art and could do well under Italy’s tutelage. The second was that Germany and Italy made a really cute couple.

“Well, don’t you two look like a pair of love birds,” Prussia commented, getting everyone’s attention, “Have any of you seen Gilbird?”

“I thought he was with you,” Italy said, pulling away from Germany.

“I looked all over my room. He’s no where there.”

“Are you sure you didn’t leave him outside?” Germany asked.

“I know I brought him inside…” But as Prussia said that, he tried remembering what he did when he got back home. It was all a blank. _Did_ he leave Gilbird outside? “…I’ll go check though.”

“Maybe he’s around the big tree in the yard,” Italy suggested.

“I’ll go check you room again,” Germany said, “Maybe he is in a corner somewhere.”

Germany went downstairs. Italy looked at the path he took for a few moments before following.

“Is it just me, or was that a little weird?” Prussia asked Kugelmugel.

“People are weird,” Kugelmugel said, going back to their sketchbook.

“Good point. Do you want to help me find Gilbird?”

“No,” Kugelmugel said, however they did close up the sketchbook and helped with the search.

Italy was trying to keep himself together as he walked down the stairs to Prussia’s room. There was a rock in his chest and it hurt. There was no way Germany could be Holy Roman Empire. Italy had checked. He asked Germany himself, back in World War I; the answer was a stiff no. ‘So what is this?’ Italy thought, blinking to keep tears out of his eyes.

Germany was carefully scouring every centimeter of Prussia’s floor for Gilbird. His attention to detail still amazed Italy. It was the look in his eyes; determined, even for a small thing.

Italy leaned against the door frame, trying to keep the emotions swelling inside him in check. It had been a long time since he had felt so awful. He wasn’t sad. No, he was beyond that. He was pissed off. “What was the last thing you told me?” Italy asked. The ends of his consonant were very cut and precise, something that happened when he was angry.

Germany looked up confused, “What do you mean?”

“If you are Holy Roman Empire, what was the last thing you told me before you went to war?”

The two of them looked at each other for a good long while, not saying anything. Italy wanted his answer, and refused to back off from it. Germany eventually found his words. “Feliciano… I don’t remember. And it’s not because I’m not him. My memory had been blocked and its only now that I am able to remember anything.”

Italy couldn’t keep back his tears and that pissed him off even more. He couldn’t blame Germany for any of this. He knew that the German didn’t do this out of malice. It hurt. He wanted someone to blame, someone to take the frustration out on. But… he refused to do so to someone who didn’t deserve it.

“I’m sorry,” Germany said quietly, pulling Italy into a hug. “I didn’t know that Holy Roman Empire meant so much to you… that Holy Roman Empire would mean so much to anyone besides Gilbert.”

Italy let Germany support his weight and closed his eyes. Germany was so strong and stable; it was comforting to Italy. “You know,” Italy said after a time, “Of all things to remember, I would think it would be other things, and not when I was running away from Austria.”

“Like what?”

A flood of memories flew through Italy’s mind all at once. Italy clutched onto Germany’s shirt.

“I’m sorry,” Germany said quickly, “If it pains you, forget it.”

“It’s going to be painful no matter what. I never got the chance to say goodbye. And you’re not dead, but you’re different. Not that it is a bad thing. I like who you are and I wouldn’t want to change it. And I hate that I’m mad about this, and I really don’t want to be. It’s just…”

“…complicated?” Germany suggested when Italy stopped his sentence.

“I just want to move on, like everyone else has.”

“…everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. Give yourself a break.”

After Italy calmed down a bit, he sat down at Prussia’s desk as Germany continued searching for Gilbird. “You’d think that I’d be over it after a few centuries,” Italy mused.

“What did I just say about giving yourself a break?” Germany had a slightly amused look on his face.

“I know, but…”

“I mean it. I have to give myself a break in order to move on. I will always have the guilt… but, what’s done is done and we all have to move forward in some way. To learn and do better as it were.”

“…I guess you would know that best.” Italy glanced around the room. Over by Prussia’s bed, there was a small yellow lump. Could it be…? It looked more like a ball of sock than a bird… but Italy had never seen Prussia wear bright yellow socks.

Italy walked over and scooped up the little lump. It was Gilbird alright, but there was something wrong. “Ludwig…” Italy said, turning to Germany. Italy could feel no life at all in the bird.

“Good. You found him.”

“He doesn’t have a heartbeat.”

Germany took the bird and looked him over carefully. His face slowly paled as he did so. “He’s not breathing…” Germany said quietly. He tried reviving the poor bird, but nothing came from it. Germany and Italy looked at each other, neither of them sure of what to do. “Not a word to Gilbert.”

“He needs to know though.”

“…not yet. After the party. Not before. He will get depressed.”

“Then… what do we do?” The party was still a few weeks off, and Gilbird was Prussia’s closest companion. He was going to find out.

“Improvise… somehow…”

“Any luck, West?” Prussia’s voice rang out.

Italy grabbed a nearby box and put Gilbird inside.

“Nein. We’re coming up.”

“So, we go to town tomorrow?” Italy asked.

Germany nodded. “And we take care of _that_ tonight.”


	7. Chapter 7

“I’m really glad that Kugelmugel is with Gilbert,” Italy said as he and Germany walked around the nearby town. They were on two missions. The first was to get a new Gilbird so that Prussia could calm down. The second was to, finally, get Italy a new phone. Romano had called in again, really pissed off over that fact.

“What makes you say that?” Germany asked.

“You know… in case something happens while we are out.”

Germany hadn’t thought about that, and he started getting very anxious. What if Prussia disappeared while they were out? There would be no last goodbye, not fully knowing…

“Look, I think it’s going to be ok,” Italy said hurriedly. “It took some time until Nonno disappeared after his nation was gone, so Gilbert will have some time.”

“What did happen to him?” Germany asked, “To your grandfather? It seemed as though he just disappeared without a trace.”

“Because he did… sometime after Rome fell, Nonno wanted to go on a journey. There was something he left behind up north, so he said, and he wanted to get it back. He said goodbye to both me and Lovino and left. That was the last time I saw him. He never came back home… I wonder if he found what he was looking for.”

Germany put an arm around Italy. It seemed that everyone this personification got close to just seemed to disappear. It was little wonder for Germany why Italy blew up a little the day prior, and he was sure that wouldn’t be the last of it.

“I’m glad it’s a nice day,” Italy said, looking up at the sky, “It isn’t too cold.”

“It also helps that you are dressed for the weather this time.”

Italy chuckled a bit. “I forget that your place is so cold. Oh! Chicks!” Italy bounded off to a small table where a local was selling a bunch of baby chickens.

Germany quickened his pace and joined Italy’s side. The chicks were peeping excitedly and were extremely adorable.

“Well?” Italy picked one up and brought it to his face, “What do you think? Would this work?”

Even with a glance, the chicks looked nothing like Gilbird. Gilbird was special, just like Prussia. “Why don’t we go get you a phone first and come back?” Germany suggested. Maybe he was looking at the chicks expecting an exact look alike. Maybe if they left and came back, the chicks would look fine.

“I’ll be here ‘til three, boys,” the chick curator said as Germany and Italy walked away from the table.

They found a cell phone store and Italy got a replacement. It wasn’t anything special, and he would find a better one when he returned to his country. However, the one he got would do for the time being. It could make calls and read emails. It was also a bit more water proof, as a bonus.

As Germany walked out of the shop, he saw his younger self leaning on a nearby fence. He looked, as always, pissed off.

“Ludwig… can we maybe not stand right in front of the door?” Italy said pushing against the German’s back.

The young girl in the green dress came running from out of nowhere, and grabbed Holy Roman Empire’s hands. She guided him down the street; Holy Roman Empire looked surprised but followed willingly.

“Ludwig?”

Germany ran off after the two young kids, through the streets of the town. The girl, while wearing her maid’s dress, was also wearing cat ears and a cat tail.

“ _It’s a good thing that I brought an extra one for you. I knew you would forget.”_

“Ludwig! Where are we going?”

“Town Square.” He didn’t know how he knew that was where Holy Roman Empire and the green dress girl was going.

“Ok, why?”

“I think I am remembering something…”

“ _I look ridiculous.” Holy Roman Empire blushed embarrassedly._

_”Well, so does everyone else. I think you look cute.”_

Germany stopped when he got to the town square. Holy Roman Empire (who also had cat ears by that time) and the young girl were dancing to music that was not there. Not at the present moment in any case. Germany closed his eyes, and thought hard on the moment.

“ _Why are you acting like a cat?”_

_The girl in the green dress twirled in place, making her dress move side to side. Her hands were behind her back. “Well, it is the cat festival. So it would make sense that we should act like cats too.” She beamed._

Germany tried to will himself to remember more, but the moment past, and he was still left with nothing much.

“Everything ok?” Italy asked. He had a worried look on his face.

“…everything is fine. I lost a thought. It’s fine.”

“Ok… what were you trying to remember? Maybe talking about it will help.”

Germany walked over to where the children were. “I don’t think it was here per say… but I was wearing cat ears and a cat tail, dancing with someone else who also had cat ears and a cat tail…” There plenty of other people too, all dressed in that same way. “I think there was a festival?”

“Oh, you must be talking about the cat festival over in Belgium. Yeah, everyone would wear cat ears and tails. Even Roderich, and we know how much a stick in the ass he can be.”

“And… what would we do? Just dance?”

“Well sure. Dancing is necessary for any sort of festival. I think there was a special one we did for the cat one specifically, though it has been a while.” Italy took Germany by the hands and started swinging them about. After a few moments, resituated the position to go into a sort of waltz with Germany and started dancing. It was a quick waltz. It did feel familiar.

_“Are you sure you are alright, Holy Roman Empire? You’ve been glaring at me all day. Did I do something wrong?”_

_Holy Roman Empire tried not to groan. He didn’t mean to look at her in such a way. She didn’t do anything wrong. “No, no. It’s just…”_

_The girl in the green dress cocked her head to the side. “It’s fine if I did. I just want to know so that I don’t do it again. I want you to talk to me… please…”_

_“You didn’t do anything wrong… I… I’m just mad at myself. I shouldn’t take it out on you. I’m sorry to make you worry.”_

_“You have me curious now. Why won’t you tell me?”_

_Holy Roman Empire’s face flushed. “It’s embarrassing.” It’s not something you tell a girl and he was fortunate enough that this one didn’t even remember what happened._

_“Are we not friends?”_

_As Holy Roman Empire looked at the girl, he felt a strain in his heart. “Of course we are friends.” And he wished to be more than that…_

_“Then tell me. Please. I promise I won’t tell anyone else.” That certainly wasn’t the issue._

Germany could feel his face swell red. His younger self was an idiot.

“Ludwig?”

“It helped… maybe…” The girl’s face was still a blur. But she did have auburn hair… and she wore a little white hat. He sighed. “Why don’t we get that chick for Gilbert?”

Italy looked at him hesitantly, before following along down the road. “Did… did you remember me there?”

Germany shook his head. “Sorry… I am trying, though.”

Even though Italy seemed to shrug it off, Germany could tell that Italy was bothered by it.

Prussia stared at the bird that everyone believed was Gilbird. It sort of looked like Gilbird… and even though this creature couldn’t fly, Gilbird hadn’t flown in a while either.

“At least you seem peppier,” Prussia mused to the small bird.

The creature chirped in response.

Prussia put the bird on his shoulder and headed back upstairs to the sitting room, where Kugelmugel had their sketch book out. They weren’t drawing; rather, they were staring out into empty space. They looked close to possessed. Prussia had seen Germany with that look when he was trying to plan out something complicated and ran into a block of some kind.

“Can’t draw?” Prussia asked, sitting next to Kugelmugel.

Kugelmugel looked at Prussia, then scooted a little away from him. “I need a name.”

“What, like a human name?”

“Yes, Feliciano was telling me all about everyone’s human names. I didn’t know we needed one.”

“Well, for us, we do. It’s an alias since most people don’t know about us being nations. And for the ones we are close to, we call each other by our human names. It’s a bit more personal that way.”

“So I need one. But I’m not good with names.” Kugelmugel noticed the bird on Prussia’s shoulder and a light went off. “Hold still. I want to draw that chick.”

“It’s a bird…”

“Chicks _are_ birds?” Kugelmugel raised an eyebrow. “Though in this case, it is art.” They started sketching.

“Your name could just be a popular name right now. Fit in so that no one really asks questions about it. Why not Michael or Mikala? Mike for short for both.”

Kugelmugel stared hard at Prussia.

“Or… not… It can also have like meaning behind it. Or be someone important in your history. I know that Massachusetts landed on the name Abigale after an important lady in her state.” Prussia had sat through Massachusetts’ whole spiel over her human name. She was really proud of it.

“I don’t really care.”

Prussia sighed. “Well, what would you like to have in your name then?”

“Art.”

“That might be a bit difficult.”

“I am art, so my name should be art.”

Prussia gave it some thought. He pulled out his phone and looked through a list of names that are related to art. ‘Issey, Donatello…’ Prussia glanced at Kugelmugel for a moment. ‘Donatella, but that’s very Italian. Curran. Willem. Serra. Manet. Morandi…’ An “m” name felt right with Prussia to give to Kugelmugel. Sometimes, you just get a good look at someone and know that they need to have a name starting with a certain letter. ‘Art… what’s a good name that means art…’ A thought popped into Prussia’s head, and he started laughing.

“What?” Kugelmugel looked a bit wary.

“Ok, how about Malleri?”

Kugelmugel thought about it. “I don’t get it. Why is that funny?”

“Your name should be ‘art’, right? You can spell it however you like, but isn’t a word for art ‘Malerei’? I mean if you don’t like it, I could try to do something with Kungst, but that’s a little harder to play with for a name.” Besides, Kungst is too ridged of a name for Kugelmugel.

Kugelmugel didn’t respond to that for some time. They kept repeating the name ‘Malleri’ to themself, as if trying it out and hearing how it sounded. The focus they had with their sketch reminded Prussia how Austria could get sometimes when writing music. “I will use Malleri. It is more like art.”

“I think it suits you better too.” When Kugelmugel asked why, Prussia said, “I don’t really know how to explain why. I just look at you and you look like a Malleri. I think it’s your hair. And that’s a compliment.”

Kugelmugel smiled a little, and continued the sketch. “That bird looks different from the one you had before. What happened to the one before?”

“This is Gilbird. One and only.”

“It’s not the bird you had before.” Kugelmugel flipped through the pages to one in the beginning and showed it off to Prussia. It was of Gilbird, and comparing that to the bird on his shoulder, it was undeniable that this new bird certainly wasn’t Gilbird.

‘Ok, so West lied… but why? He hates doing that unless under orders… Did Gilbird have to go to hospital? But he wouldn’t take Gilbird to a hospital without telling me about it.’ Prussia didn’t like it one bit. Where could Gilbird be?

“This new bird isn’t bad. But the other one was more fun to draw. Had more personality.”

“Well, that is Gilbird for you. We had been together for a long while. I don’t know what I would do without him…” Though, as Prussia was thinking about it, Gilbird had been sick for a while, and was really depressed. He had thought it was because he himself was depressed and the bird was feeding off that. It still sucked, but a new reason entered his thoughts and he didn’t like it one bit. The last time he got bitten by Blackie, it took almost two weeks to heal. That would only happen if he was turning human. Prussia could feel whatever color was left on his cheeks drain out. He felt paralyzed with the realization.

“So this is where he went to,” Germany said, coming into the sitting room, “Gilbert, Feli wants to know…” He stopped in mid-sentence, seeing Prussia’s stunned face. “Gilbert? What’s wrong?”

Prussia slowly took the bird off of his shoulder and placed it on the table. He then stood up, and looked at his brother right in the eyes. “Where is Gilbird?”

Italy looked through Google at some ideas for a costume. Nothing was really calling out to him. An old uniform sounded boring. None of the fancy men’s dresswear seemed that interesting to Italy. Like, sure, it was more colorful than a modern suit… but nothing was speaking out to him. He figured maybe he could pull out an old carnival costume. At least that had a cool mask.

For some reason, scrolling down on the page, a picture of a renaissance dress appeared. Definitely not men’s fashion… Italy mused as to what he would look like in one. ‘I certainly don’t have the chest for it,’ he thought to himself, then he started laughing. It didn’t last long, and he was left with an empty feeling in his chest afterwards.

Though, it did open up another possibility. Italy grabbed a piece of paper and started sketching out from memory the dress he wore as a kid. For a long time, he had hated that green maid’s dress; if he was honest with himself, he mostly hated how everyone around him approached the subject. To put it bluntly, no one ever wanted to talk about it. And that was what ruined that dress for years.

After working on the sketch for a little bit, Italy ended up calling Romano.

“What the fuck do you want?” Lovino sounded as grumpy as ever.

“It’s just a question,” Italy said defensively, “Are you home?”

“The hell I am! We’re renovating statues over here!”

“Oh… right…” He forgot. How did he forget? He was an idiot.

Romano sighed, “Maybe I can answer from here. What do you want?”

“You remember the dress I had when I was at Roderich’s right?”

“The thing they forced you to wear, sure. What about it?”

Italy tried not to wince. He was never forced to wear it… It fit the roll he had with Austria. He was the maid. Maid’s wore a specific outfit. Might as well dress the part. “Were there frills at the bottom?”

“Why do you care?”

“I’m going to wear it for the party.”

“…seriously?” Romano asked quietly from disbelief.

“Si. It’s a period piece.”

“I don’t know why I’m surprised. We’re kinda close to the house. I’ll get you a picture. Are you going to be making this thing from scratch?”

“Depends how hard it will be. I don’t think It’ll be that difficult. I’ve got time.”

“Yeah, I guess… Are you seriously staying over there?”

“Yeah. Ludwig needs my help. He’s going through some old stuff.”

“Oh, sure, you can help him out with cleaning, but won’t come back here for renovation.”

“You have help.”

“He’s a child.”

“He’s a teenager. Big difference.”

“He may look like a teen, but he’s a child.”

Italy knew this could go on and on for a while. Romano never liked letting things go. “It’s not just you two, is it? You have a team.”

“Yeah, but they are all shit.”

“You have real high standards. Is Antonio busy?”

“…he says he’s busy, but how long can you really be behind on work? It’s the government for fucks sake. Nothing new happens!”

“If you explain it nicely, I’m sure Antonio will be more than willing to help.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll send you a picture the dress.”

“Gratzi.”

Italy looked at the sketch he made, then over to the time. It was close to dinner time and it was his turn to make the meal. About time he made gnocchi from scratch again. That was always fun, except he could never do it when Romano was around because he despised potatoes.

Italy went downstairs and started the preparations for the gnocchi. Finding the potatoes was not an issue at all. Germany always kept them in the same place. Italy made quick work of peeling and cooking the potatoes. That was the slow part of the recipe, since it always took forever for the water to boil.

“Say, Feliciano?” Germany asked as Italy was mashing the cooked potatoes, “Did you ever play any instruments when you were living with Roderich?”

“…only when he was out,” Italy said, “He didn’t really like it when I played on his piano. And the violin was a hard instrument to master, so I never really wanted to play when there were other people around. I think Holy Roman Empire was the first person to hear me play one… well, you, I guess.” A part of Italy still couldn’t believe that Germany was Holy Roman Empire.

Germany’s eyes glanced at one of the stools in the kitchen. There was nothing special about it as far as Italy was concerned. “And when was that?” Germany asked.

Italy thought back. “This was while I was running away from Roderich’s house and you were traveling with me. A lot of the time, we were staying with people who were nice enough to let us stay. We were two young kids, and I think a lot of people took pity on us.”

“And one of the places we stayed at let you play a violin as a way to repay them,” Germany filled in.

Italy nodded. “I’m really glad that I didn’t squeak at all when playing that time. I was really nervous.”

Germany smiled, “I do have to say, your disguise was terrible.”

Italy shrugged, “It worked for the time being. Everyone was fooled. Including you.”

Germany walked up to Italy and flattened the curl. “This is not a good disguise.”

“I was also wearing pants,” Italy pointed out, “Oh, can you ask Gilbert if he wants a special flavor in the gnocchi? I know there is one he likes, but I forget what it was.”

It took Germany a moment to go off to do so; his mind seemed to be in another place. Italy shook his head and working with the potatoes.

As he was shaping the gnocchi, Kugelmugel came running into the kitchen and sat on the farthest stool from the door they came from. Before the Italian could ask what was going on, angry German shouting came from the other room.

“Urca,” Italy said quietly. The cat was out of the bag.

“…I hate shouting,” Kugelmugel said, their voice very soft-spoken, “It’s loud and it hurts.”

“You’ll hate Lovino then,” Italy commented, “All he does is shout. But, he has a kind heart underneath it all. You kinda have to read between the lines.”

“I’m not good at that.”

Italy shrugged, “I have a hard time reading the atmosphere. We all have stuff we’re shit at.”

Kugelmugel didn’t look impressed. “Doesn’t seem I’m good with anything important.”

“What are you talking about? I heard you are a fantastic artist!”

“…Austria says that while art is something special, it doesn’t help with being a nation.”

“Don’t let Roderich get you down. He can be a stick in the mud.”

“But he is right.”

“No, don’t say that. It’s a talent to be good at art. I should know. I’m good at it too. People need art in their lives.”

“Do they though?”

“Yes.” Italy knew for a fact that during the hardest parts of his life, the one thing he always was drawn back to was art, whether it be from his hand or someone else’s. “It brings light into people’s lives. A little excitement. Something nice to look at. Something to spark a thought. It’s just as important as being a good speaker or being able to do math…”

“Or… reading the atmosphere?” Kugelmugel added.

Italy grinned a little, and went back to cooking the gnocchi. Whenever Italy cooked, he would usually hum or sing and dance about whatever kitchen he was using. He started humming ‘Volare’ after a time, bobbing his head to the beat of the song in his head. When he had to get a pot for the sauce, he slid across the floor, seeing as he was just wearing socks.

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Kugelmugel asked.

“That’s what’s fun about it. I do all my own stunts.” Italy proceeded to slide back to the stove, but lost his footing and fell flat on his back. The pot clattered onto the floor.

Germany and Prussia came running into the kitchen from the sound of the pot. “Feliciano,” Germany asked, getting over to Italy as fast as possible, “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine. I’m glad the pot was empty though.” Italy grinned sheepishly for a moment before asking, “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine…”

“And you are arguing with Gilbert for no reason then?” Italy looked over at Prussia.

“Why couldn’t you just tell me, West?” Prussia asked calmly, “Why pretend everything is alright?”

“I know how much this party matters to you right now. And I know that losing your nation status would bring your mood down… I was going to tell you after the party was over, believe me… I don’t like seeing you so upset.”

Prussia breathed. “You really should have told me, West,” he said before disappearing downstairs to his room.

“If he isn’t a nation anymore,” Kugelmugel started to ask, “How long does he have?”

“Hard to say,” Italy said when Germany wouldn’t answer, “But, I would be very surprised if he still wasn’t around for the party.”

Kugelmugel looked at the doorway Prussia left through for a few moments, before flipping the page of their sketch book and started to draw something new.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation Note: Urca - Yikes (roughly, surprised interjection that is mild)


	8. Chapter 8

Germany couldn’t help but think back to a time some decades back when he thought he wouldn’t see Prussia again. It wasn’t something he willingly wanted to remember, it’s just where his mind went as he started calling Northern Ireland.

_Germany locked his door and threw a chair to the other side of the room. How could they? To his brother! Surely the Allies could not be this heartless? They had families too. Surely they knew better than to kill a nation just out of revenge? If they were going to kill any nation, it should be Germany. He was the one to cause the war in the first place. He should take that responsibility. Not Prussia. Germany collapsed onto the floor, the weight of everything pushing onto his heart and making it very difficult for him to breathe._

_“Ludwig!” Prussia’s voice said in a sing song manner, “Let me in, Bruder. I want to talk to you.”_

_“No!”_

_“But why?”_

_Germany gritted his teeth, not out of annoyance, but to hold back the wave of emotions he knew was going to spill out of his mouth if he said anything. He didn’t want to last out at his brother. He didn’t want to push everything he loved away from him. The pain in his head was close to unbearable._

_“Come on, Bruder,” Prussia said again, “Just open the door. Everything is al…”_

_“Don’t. Everything is not alright, and you know it!” And there he was, pushing everyone away again. Maybe it was better to be alone. Nation kind are already mostly alone since humans cannot begin to understand what it means to be a nation._

_Prussia tested out the door. It certainly wasn’t locked, and swung open easily. When Germany saw Prussia’s calm face, he completely lost it. He felt like his heart broke completely. “How… how can you be so calm… You should be hating me.”_

_Prussia sighed and joined his brother on the ground. “Maybe. But you look like you’ve beaten me to it, and there are other things we should be thinking about.”_

_“This is going to kill you.” Germany knew this. He could feel it._

_Surprisingly, Prussia smiled. “I’ve been a walking dead man this long.” This did not calm Germany down in the slightest. “Calm down. I’m not going anywhere. See?” Prussia puts Germany’s hands on his shoulders. “I am here in living flesh.”_

_“I just… I don’t want to lose you again, bruder,” Germany said, without realizing exactly what he said. He felt as though someone else had taken control of his voice._

_Prussia looked at Germany for a good long moment. He shook his head and said, “Ich weiß. But it is going to happen one day. Just not today.”_

“Good evening,” Northern Ireland said, picking up Germany’s call, “Spéir here.”

It takes Germany a moment to collect his thoughts of the present time before he could answer. “North, it’s Ludwig. I’m sorry for calling so late.”

“I’d rather that than anything else. I’m still awake. What can I do for you? How’s the autumn cleaning going?”

“It’s going… but that’s not what I’m calling about. I…. It’s Gilbert… he’s lost his nation status.” Saying it out loud made the whole thing real and brought tears to his eyes. “I….” His voice broke, and Germany was afraid to say anything else.

“It’s alright. Let it all out. It’s hard to come to terms with that. I had to deal with my mother losing her status and fading away. How did you find out?”

It took Germany a while to get to a point where he could answer the question clearly. “You know that bird that’s always with him? That bird died. And I tried covering it up so that Gilbert wouldn’t find out until later. He found out, and I think he hates me for it.”

“Did you ask him?”

“We had an argument.”

“In my experience, that could mean anything.”

“Tell me honestly: did I do the right thing?”

Northern Ireland didn’t say anything at first. “I don’t know what I would have done in your shoes with Gilbert. Now, if this were my brother, I would have told him. And if it were me, I would have liked to be told.”

Germany tried not to groan.

“You did what you did with good intentions, and I’m sure that Gilbert will come around to see it once the dust settles a bit.”

A knock came to Germany’s door. It was Prussia, holding a flute. “Hey, ah… can you show me where you buried GIlbird? I want to give him a little funeral.”

Germany nodded, and ended his call with Northern Ireland, “I’ll call back later. I’m sorry.”

“West… I’m sorry I yelled earlier.”

“You had every right to. I should have told you.”

“Ja, but you were also right that I would get depressed about this.”

“Anyone would.”

The two brothers stood awkwardly in silence. “Please don’t leave,” Germany eventually said, “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Please, like I’m going anywhere any time soon. No. I have things I need to finish before I kick the bucket. I don’t plan on going anywhere.” Prussia gave Germany a grin.

Germany nodded, however he really wasn’t convinced.

_Germany looked at the wall that had just finished being erected un Berlin. He touched it, and he felt the coldness of the stone that separated him from Prussia. His hand slowly curled into a fist and he slammed it into the wall. ‘Are you happy now?’ Germany thought bitterly. This wasn’t just towards the Allies; this was also towards himself. Everything he built up now gone in a blink of an eye. And now that the resolution of the war was finally in the present rather than the future, Germany just felt empty. Everyone was gone and it was just Germany to face the aftermath alone._

_Tears started running down his face. The worst of it was that he would never see his brother again. Prussia was destined to fade from existence. Trapped in the wall. Germany would never get to properly say good bye to him. That hurt the worst._

_Germany felt a warmth on the other side of the wall where his hand was at. Someone else was on the other side, placing a hand where his hand was at on the wall. He had no idea if it was just his imagination or if it was real, but he pretended that on the other side, Prussia was there, telling him that he was alive._

_“Wait for me, bruder,” Germany said quietly, knowing that the person on the other side would probably not hear him, “Please… please be there when this wall comes down.” If it ever would._

Germany sighed, and headed downstairs. He would have to trust that Prussia was more stubborn than death.

Prussia wasn’t sure if he was going to be ok, but he knew that he couldn’t let his little brother down. He got Germany, Italy, and Kugelmugel in the backyard. Germany had buried Gilbird in a clear part of the flowerbed in the back, in a small wooden box from a century ago. At least his brother was good about giving his birdy friend a proper coffin.

“Why don’t we get a little marker?” Italy suggested, “So that we know where he is.”

“As much as I like the idea, I think planting a flower is just fine. Like a forget-me-not. Or a cornflower. That’s an idea.”

“We can go look at plants tomorrow if you want,” Germany said, “I doubt anything is open now.”

“Right.” Prussia sighed, stood up, and looked down at the bare patch of dirt. “Thanks for being there for me, old friend.” He put the flute up to his lips and started playing a mournful Prussian tune that was commonly played for funerals. He couldn’t help but think about his country, the people who once lived there, and the soldiers who fought for him. The battles won and lost came rushing back to his waking memory and it hard for him to keep his composure. It was all really gone now. For good. And now, he wondered how much time he would have left. Germania did linger around for a while after he was no longer a nation, however Prussia couldn’t remember for how long. At least a year… maybe?

“I didn’t know you could play an instrument,” Kugelmugel said, once Prussia was done.

“Of course I can. I just haven’t done it in a while.” Maybe he should pick it up again…

“Did Austria teach you?”

“Ptth. Like he can teach anyone.” Prussia rolled his eyes. “No, one of my old bosses taught me how to play the flute.”

Both Germany and Italy raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“Well… it was the Old Fritz. Believe it or not, I was a loud, rambunctious child in my youth.”

Germany rolled his eyes.

“So, the Fritz decided to teach me the flute to teach me how to be quiet and the like.”

“And?” Kugelmugel asked. They seemed invested in the story.

“It did teach me that good things take practice.”

“It certainly didn’t make you any quieter,” Germany said.

“Like you would know. It made me appreciate the quieter side of life, I will tell you that.” Prussia was certainly calmer after taking flute, a comment that a lot of nations, including Austria, would admit to.

_Prussia rocked on his heels as he stood in front of Frederick’s door. He never liked playing the messenger. There was always that terrifying fear of getting attacked in some way… even though this is just his boss. Frederick hadn’t drawn a sword at him for bad news… yet. Prussia clicked his heels together, and walked into the room._

_Frederick was sitting at his desk, his Italian Greyhounds sitting around near by. Though, when Prussia walked through the door, the dogs bounded up to him immediately._

_“Good to see you again, Gilbert,” Frederick said, putting down his pen and turning to face Prussia, “I was wondering when you would be coming back.”_

_“It takes a while to travel anywhere.” Prussia caught a glimpse at the letter on the desk. “Is everything ok?”_

_Frederick sighed. “Will you walk with me?”_

_Prussia nodded. They go out into the garden. The summer heat is in full effect making Prussia hate the uniform he is wearing. The dogs absolutely are in love with being let out._

_“Can I ask what is going on?” Prussia eventually asks, “You’ve been quite for some time now. And as much as your dogs are awesome… I can’t help but feel you are hiding something from everyone.”_

_“You have good instinct,” Frederick said, looking up to the sky. He gave Prussia a look over before explaining. “I have been thinking about death.”_

_“Well, that’s a bit morbid.”_

_“Perhaps. Surely you do so as well.”_

_“Why should I when I can’t die?”_

_“Can’t or won’t?” A sly sort of smile crosses Frederick’s face. “You have a strong will, and I think that is why you can live for so long. However, not everything lasts forever, and I believe my time is running short.”_

_Prussia stopped in his tracks. “No,” he protested, however in his heart, he knew his boss was right._

_“Can you change the tide of nature?”_

_“I didn’t say that. It’s just…” Prussia clenched his hands. “I don’t want you to go. Call me selfish, I don’t care.”_

_“I’m surely not the first to leave your life, and will not be the last.”_

_“…but you’re my favorite.”_

_That made Frederick think for a moment. “Can you do something for me then? Since you are immortal and will outlive everyone here? Remember me, and tell my story.”_

_“Do you really think that people will forget about you? About what you have done?”_

_“Yes. Stories are told, revised, and told again. I fear of getting lost in that. I want you to set people straight.”_

_Prussia pursed his lips. It was an odd request, and certainly wasn’t one he was ever given before. Most people would want to be shown in the best light. But to ask to be remembered as human? “I will do my best.” Prussia takes a deep bow._

_Frederick cannot help but smile. “It’s rather funny how much you have matured.”_

_“I haven’t changed,” Prussia insisted, waving his arms around, “I can read the mood you know.” The dogs made their way around the garden and tackle Prussia again._

That was the last interaction Prussia personally had with the Old Fritz alone, and the words that his boss said still lingered in his heart after all that time.

_Italy knelt in front of a painting depicting Jesus; he was wearing priest-like regalia, hoping that if anyone caught him the church, he could pass off being a priest’s apprentice. All was quite within St. Peter’s Basilica. Only a few candles were lit, and they were lit by Italy himself. The past few days had been emotionally scaring for him and he needed some time alone with God… though he wondered how much help He would be at that point in time._

_“_ _Tell me,_ _Gesù,” Italy asked quietly looking up from his prayer beads, “How did Holy Roman Empire come into your kingdom? Was he broken beyond repair, or was he clean of all earthly wounds?” It was a question that had been burning in his mind after weeks of nightmares imagining his lover’s end._

_No reply. There never was a verbal reply to any of Italy’s prayers. All of them were always left unanswered. It was even more empty within the stone walls of the sleeping church._

_Italy looked at the focus of the prayer beads. For most rosaries, it would be a cross. For Italy’s, it was a cornflower. It was a gift that Holy Roman Empire gave him a year before he left for war. He was so surprised of how well it was put together. He must have been practicing for years, considering how much he sucked at art._

_“I didn’t die, you know,” the voice of Holy Roman Empire said._

_Italy snapped around, shoving the beads in his pocket. Holy Roman Empire was indeed standing there. The light of the sun shining behind him and he was standing on grass. “You did, though,” Italy said, “You aren’t here anymore.”_

_“But I survived.”_

_“Did you? There are more ways to die than just not breathing!” Why was he yelling? Why was he frustrated? Shouldn’t he be relieved?_

_Holy Roman Empire blinked. There was much confusion on his face. “Are you not glad that I’m back?” he asked, nearly offended._

Italy slowly opened his eyes, and was vaguely aware that there were tears running down his cheeks. He felt miserable and slightly nauseous. The nightmares were back. He reached out to the bedside table to grab his prayer beads. They weren’t there.

Confused and slightly panicking, Italy sat up and turned on the light in his room, only to remember he didn’t have them anymore. They were at Holy Roman Empire’s grave… he really needed to make a replacement. The guest room felt empty and it scared Italy more than anything. If there was one thing he feared above all else, it was being alone.

Italy quietly walked out into the hall and headed for Germany’s room. He could usually count on the German to be up late; it used to be with work, but in the present time, it was with fun reading.

The light was still on in Germany’s room, and as it turned out, Germany was still up reading. “You’re still up?” Italy asked, making sure his face was dry. No need to make Germany worry over some dumb dream.

Germany looked up from his book and realized the time. “I guess I still am. I’m sorry. Did the light wake you?”

“No,” Italy said, sitting on the bed and getting close to Germany, “I’m just cold.”

Germany put the book down and maneuvered the covers so that Italy would get warm. “Well, it does help to be properly covered and not just wear shorts to bed.”

Italy smiled sheepishly, even though he didn’t really feel it. “What book has you so enthralled at one in the morning? And please don’t tell me it’s a training manual.”

“No, no, it’s not. It’s a romance novel Japan told me about. Funny enough, it was originally in Italian.”

“Maybe I know about it. What’s it called?”

“ _A Flower’s Tears_. It’s about a girl who falls in love with a soldier who disappeared during a war. She vowed to never to love again.”

“…and then she meets a mechanic, right?”

Germany nodded. “And now she feels conflicted because she has fallen in love with the mechanic.”

Italy remembered that particular story. In Italian, it was called _Le Lacrime di un Fiore_. It was about a girl, whose name was Fiorella, who fell in love with a young soldier. He went off to war, the girl stayed behind, and the guy never returned home. Fiorella was heartbroken and vowed to never love again unless it be her love returned home. Which was working fine for her until she ran into a mechanic named Angelo who stole her heart. She remained conflicted for a very long time, trying to chose between staying faithful to her soldier or engaging with Angelo. And then, it was revealed that Angelo was her former lover, who had been suffering from a concussion and memory loss. As Italy was remembering the story, he was surprised of how much it reflected the current situation he found himself in with Germany. “What part are you at now?”

“Fiorella asked Angelo to meet her at a café and she is planning to let him go.”

Italy remembered that part well. The two of them met up at the café, with Fiorella all ready to dump him, and then Angelo started remembering her, and said something to make Fiorella to keep him in her life. It was a sweet moment…

“Are you ok?” Germany asked.

“I’m fine. It’s just cold.” Italy curled up closer to Germany, comforted by the presence of his friend. He wasn’t alone. He was safe. Everything was fine…

_Italy was running through the house, clutching onto a deck brush. He almost collided with one of Austria’s soldiers in his rush. He had to get to Holy Roman Empire before he left. Italy couldn’t really believe that he was leaving without a goodbye in the first place._

_“Holy Rome!” Italy saw him by the gate, soldiers walking out. He was holding something behind his back and looking rather forlorn. As much as Holy Roman Empire was serious, this wasn’t his usual look._

_Holy Roman Empire sighed, “Listen, there’s something I need to tell you. I’m sorry about everything.”_

_“What do you mean?” What did Holy Roman Empire do?_

_“I have to leave… there’s no other way…” Holy Roman Empire brushed back a tear. “Take care, Italy.”_

_“Wait, please don’t go!” Italy cried out grabbing Holy Roman Empire’s wrist and holding onto it tightly, “What am I supposed to do without you?”_

_Holy Roman Empire turned around. Tears were running down his face, and his expression looked helpless. He didn’t want to go. He never ever wanted to go. But a nation cannot ignore the call for war._

_“Italy… I…”_

_Without really thinking about it, Italy pushed the brush he had been clutching onto so tightly into Holy Roman Empire’s arms. “Here, take this with you. So that you can remember me.”_

_Holy Roman Empire looked at the broom, and smiled up at Italy. “Italy… I just wanted to say… I…” He suddenly stopped talking as blood blossomed around his heart._

Italy could feel someone shaking him awake and he awoke with a bit of a start. His heart was racing and it took some time for it to calm down. Germany was right there next to him, not saying a word, but rather just having an arm around the Italian’s shoulders. “I’m sorry,” Italy said quietly.

“Don’t apologize for something you don’t have control over… are you ok?”

Italy started to nod, but then shook his head. He didn’t explain it though. He didn’t want to talk about his confused feelings, especially not the person he was having confused feelings about. He put his head on Germany’s shoulder; he could feel a headache coming on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The book mentioned isn't an actual book. It was just a thing I made up for this fanfiction. 
> 
> A bit of a more somber chapter, but everyone has feels and those feels need to be looked at. I promise next week will be a little more light hearted.


	9. Chapter 9

A knock came to the door of the study Germany had on the first floor. It acted as a library and office on the rare chances he could work from home. He looked up from his email to his boss about economy. Kugelmugel was in the doorway of the room, and they seemed anxious. Seemed, because Germany had a hard time reading Kugelmugel’s expressions.

“…Gilbert mentioned you had a violin somewhere…” they said tentatively.

“Yes… it should be upstairs in the hall closet.”

Kugelmugel thanked Germany and took off. Germany continued with his email, and then stopped. Why was Kugelmugel looking for a violin? Not that it really mattered; he was just curious. They did seem very interested with Prussia’s music the day before. Though, truth be told, he hadn’t seen the violin in a while. It was probably buried underneath some of the other storage boxes there. Christmas decorations, pictures… Holy Roman Empire stared at Germany with wide eyes, close to panic. Germany stood up and ran out of the room. There was one thing in there he really didn’t want anyone finding. Especially Italy.

He was halfway up the stairs when he actively wondered why he didn’t want Italy to find this object over Prussia. If Prussia found it, he would just make fun of Germany to no end. Italy, on the other hand, wouldn’t be so mean.

Kugelmugel and Italy were standing in the middle of the hallway, where the closet was. Prussia was on the floor, covered in random magazines and boxes.

“What are you doing?” Germany asked.

“Malleri wanted to try playing an instrument,” Italy started to explain, “And so we started with flute, but they didn’t really care for that. Then Gilbert said you had a violin so we started to look for it, but then when we opened the door here, everything kinda fell out.”

“The awesome me is ok though,” Prussia said, not making any attempt to get up. He had this fake smile on that Germany saw right through.

Kugelmugel looked guiltily at the pile.

“Don’t worry, Malleri. Why don’t we clean this up?” Glancing over everything, the object he was worried about wasn’t there. He prayed it was just in a box that he could look through later. “Which means you should get up?” Germany raised an eyebrow at his brother.

“But the ground is so comfortable.” Prussia suggested.

Germany’s eyebrow went up even higher. Prussia sighed, and got up.

“We still haven’t found the violin,” Italy said, going back into the closet, “How much stuff do you have in here?”

The hall closet was originally for linens. However, it was easier to use the closet for storage instead of going up into the attic, especially for Christmas decorations and other objects that would be occasionally used. It kinda got out of hand.

“Awwww, this is so cute!” Italy exclaimed, and pulled out a plush toy cat wearing a green maid’s dress. It was made from sewn patchwork, with a hole right behind its left ear; there was stuffing poking out of the hole. The dress looked just like the one the girl from his memories wore.

“Please put it back,” Germany said quietly. He could feel his face flush. Why? It wasn’t that embarrassing. It’s not like Italy found his porn stash.

“But why?” Italy asked, squeezing the cat’s paw, “It’s so cute and…”

“Please, just do it.” Germany wished he could say why he felt that way. It was something important to his younger self. Speaking of whom, Holy Roman Empire staring at the scene, his face completely red.

Italy slowly walked over to Germany, still examining the cat. He looked up at Germany, then ducked under him and ran downstairs.

“Hey!” Germany exclaimed and ran after Italy.

They both ran down the stairs. Italy tried parkouring over the couch, except he failed miserably and crashed in the middle of the sitting room. Germany also parkoured over the couch, however with Italy being right there, he had difficulty keeping his balance while not stepping on Italy, which ended up with him also crashing in the sitting room right on top of Italy. They both looked at each other. Italy’s amber eyes looking at Germany questioningly.

“ _Why do you always run away when I try to follow you?”_

Germany shook his head and groaned frustratedly.

“What’s so bad about it?” Italy asked, lifting up the plush cat, “It’s cute.”

“It’s…” Germany started to say.

“Are you two all…” Prussia came down the stairs, running over to the two nations on the floor. He took one look at the situation, and he grinned a bit. “West,” he said in a singsong manner, “A little forward of you, don’t you think?”

Germany looked back at Italy and realized what it must look like.

“Especially since there is a child…”

Prussia didn’t get to finish his sentence. Germany grabbed the nearest pillow and threw it at Prussia’s face, which was thrown so hard that it knocked him to the floor. “It’s not like that and you know it!” he said flustered.

Italy took the chance to run back upstairs with the cat. Germany sighed. Why was he so panicked over a cat? Of all things?

“Calm down, West. I was kidding.”

“It wasn’t funny.” Germany walked back upstairs to go find Italy. On the way he past Kugelmugel, who had taken a seat on the steps. “Sorry…” Germany said awkwardly before continuing.

Italy was in the bathroom, cleaning up the cat. It did look dusty, and it hadn’t seen the light of day in a long time. Germany quietly watched his friend from the doorway as he remembered when he got the cat.

_“Holy Rome, I got you a present.” Prussia said, holding a nicely decorated box._

_“It’s not by birthday though.”_

_“Ja, I know. But I think you’ll like this. Since I know you have a certain crush on a certain someone.”_

_Holy Roman Empire opened the box. Inside was a plush cat with a green dress. “Why is this a cat?” Holy Roman Empire asked slowly._

_“To not make it completely obvious. Well? Do you like it?”_

“How come I never saw this before?” Italy asked, as he was drying off the critter.

“It was something Prussia gave to me when I was a kid. When I grew older, it just seemed childish.”

“You should keep it out. It’s cute.” Italy hugged plush doll.

“If you insist.”

The smile that came on Italy’s face made Germany smile too. Italy’s smile was always contagious. Italy took the plush cat and put it in the guest room he was using.

After cleaning up the mess in the hallway from the closet, Germany went back to his room and pulled out the box that Prussia handed to him when they first started cleaning out the attic. He figured it was about time to look through the contents now that it was a bit easier remembering memories. The baby bloomers were the first thing in the box, surprising Germany before he remembered that they did belong there. These couldn’t have been his. He closed his eyes and willed himself to remember.

_Holy Roman Empire was hit in the face with something soft. It smelled clean, whatever it was. He pulled it off from off his face, and blushed. It was a pair of bloomers. What was this doing flying in the wind? Sure, it was a windy day… but…_

_“Holy Rome!” called out the voice of the young maid. “You caught them,” she exclaimed when she noticed he was holding the bloomers._

_“I… ah…” Holy Roman Empire realized that they belonged to this maid, and the blushing deepened. He extended them to the maid, hoping she would go back to the laundry she was doing and leave him to be embarrassed on his own._

_“Gratzi,” the maid said, taking the bloomers and giving him a smile. Holy Roman Empire couldn’t help but smile in turn. The maid’s smile was contagious._

_Later on, when he went back to his room, the bloomers were neatly folded on his bed._

Germany opened his eyes. Why would she give him her bloomers? He sure didn’t question it then, but in the modern day, he did. Did she like him in return? Regardless, it is still an incredibly odd gift.

Germany dumped out the rest of the contents of the box. He gathered the pencil sketches and put them in a neat pile. He did the same with the cornflowers, though with those he was more delicate. All that was left was a metallic black eagle. It was in the same style as the Prussian coat of arms. No doubt Prussia gave this to him when he was younger. It seemed like an odd gift…

“ _What’s this for?” Holy Roman Empire asked after looking over the metallic bird._

_“So that you can remember that you are never alone. Even if you stand alone, I’m still with you in spirit.”_

_“Even if we fight? Even if we go to war?” The young nation didn’t believe it._

_”There are some personal vows we as nations can make. I as Gilbert can promise that I will always be with you.”_

_Holy Roman Empire traced the outline of the bird in his hand. “Even if I stand against the world?”_

_“Now, why would you ever do something like that?” Prussia took Holy Roman Empire’s hat and messed with his hair. “I’d knock some sense into you if you do.”_

A tear rolled down Germany’s cheek, and he placed the charm back in the box. It made sense for the time.

Germany spread out the pencil sketches. Some were done by a very skilled hand depicting scenes of wildlife and the countryside. The others were a range of 2 year old to 3rd grade skilled drawings of the same. Every picture had a pair. They were done by two different people, and judging from the skill progression of the childish sketches, he could map out which pictures were done first and which were done later.

There was only one that didn’t have a pair, and it was of the maid wearing a flower crown sitting in a field of flowers. It was still a crappy sketch, but looking at the picture put a smile on Germany’s face. He was reminded of one time, back when he first met Italy and was trying to get him back to his camp. Italy had tripped and fell in a field of flowers. A few stuck on him, and he smiled awkwardly, sitting there, waiting for Germany to help him up. At the time, Germany tried to keep a serious business face on, even though he had felt anything but.

He still could not remember the name of the girl. He still could not remember any more of Italy in Austria’s place. Was there something else blocking his memories?

Then there were the cornflowers. These were pressed flowers, and Germany knew they were modeling. Germany closed his eyes again. What were they for?

_Holy Roman Empire could admit that clay was a bit easier to work with than canvas, and wondered why he didn’t attempt to do this before. On his work table, he had a bunch of cornflowers that were growing outside in the meadow, and a block of clay ready to be molded. He was going to make the best cornflower ever as a gift to Italy for..._

“West!” Prussia’s voice pulled Germany out of his memory, “Do you remember how to play this thing?” He held up the violin so that Germany could see.

Germany tried his best not to sound exasperated. “Doesn’t Feliciano know?”

Prussia snapped his fingers and ran downstairs.

Germany looked back at the flowers, and slowly put them back in the box. A thought came to mind as sounds of a beginner violinist floated up from downstairs. ‘Didn’t Feliciano have a ceramic cornflower?’

Romano was able to send Italy the pictures of his old maid dress. He even got a few different angles as well as general measurements of the original dress. Not that the new dress Italy was going to make was to be exact, however, it was helpful to make sure proportions were correct.

Italy was working out the details for the fabrics he would need when Germany popped into the sitting room. He was on the phone and he looked slightly concerned.

“Something wrong?” Italy asked, closing the notebook he was working with. He wanted to keep the dress a secret until the party… maybe he should be working on it in a more private location…

“No, not exactly,” Germany handed the phone to Italy, “Northern Ireland wants to talk with you.”

“Why?” Italy really didn’t have any relations with that nation, and thought it was rather odd for Northern Ireland to want to talk to him. Unless Northern Ireland wanted to be friends, then in which case, Italy would be happy to oblige.

“He has a few questions.” Germany explained, then headed back to the attic. The dusty, dusty attic.

“Ciao?” Italy asked into the receiver.

“Hello, Italy,” Northern Ireland’s voice said cheerily. It sounded weird to Italy because he was so used to the other ex-British nations being grumpy or moody. England was definitely defined by being grumpy and moody all the time. “How are you doing?”

“Fine, I guess. What about you? You’re an independent nation now, aren’t you?”

“Not for long, I don’t think… There’s a lot of talk about uniting with Ireland, and I think it’s going to go through. I don’t mind, and it will be nice to be with my brother again. But, ah, I wasn’t calling to talk about this. Mostly, I’ve been talking to Ludwig about his process of cleaning out his attic and wanted to get some opinions from you about it, since you are helping him out.”

“Oh, right, he did say he was trying to remember some stuff. He’s talking with you about it?”

“Since I am an uninterested third party, yes. Now, how do you think he’s been doing? Is he more focused? More distracted?”

Italy thought about it. “He’s been very apologetic.” Germany did say he was trying to find Italy in his memories and he did say he was Holy Roman Empire… though, Italy still didn’t really believe it. “We knew each other when we were younger… except he doesn’t remember me. And I think he feels guilty about that.”

“I was under the impression that you two met each other in WWI…”

“That’s what we thought at the time too… And honestly I still believe it. He said he was Holy Roman Empire, and I knew Holy Roman Empire. I just… I’m having a hard time believing it.”

“Why is that?”

Italy thought about it for a moment. “I know he is still remembering, but… I would think that he would remember certain details first. Like, when he left for the war.”

“Interesting. I would think he would remember that last, only because it was a been a traumatic experience. The whole reason that he lost his memories is because of what happened in that war.”

“I know…” But having to be told that from another person just made him feel frustrated. “It’s just…” Italy couldn’t finish the thought.

“Frustrating?” Northern Ireland suggested, “I can only imagine. You’ve already mourned for Holy Roman Empire and now from out of nowhere, you find that he never really died at all.”

“But I didn’t even mourn for him properly. No one talked about it. No one wanted to talk about it. He was just a fallen nation. There was no body, but it’s obvious now why. Gilbert made a small grave for him. Unmarked. Alone…”

Northern Ireland gave Italy a chance to calm down before answering to that. “It is ok to feel conflicted. You have every reason to be. But, please, I think Ludwig should know.”

“No, because he’ll just apologize again and I know it isn’t his fault.”

“I see.” Northern Ireland’s silence on the other end made Italy wonder if he was doing something wrong. “On a somewhat related note, do you know what a hag stone is? It’s a rock with a hole in it. You may want to find one and look through it during a time when Ludwig is spacing out. You might find some answers.”

“If you say so…” Though it did make Italy wonder what he could find out with a hag stone.

As much as watching Germany try on old clothes from the closet was, Prussia couldn’t really enjoy it. For all intents and purposes, he was mortal, and he had no idea when he would fade. It scared him completely… but he wasn’t about to admit that to Germany. His younger brother was already freaking out; he didn’t need to know that the great and awesome Prussia was also panicking.

“You need an accordion,” Kugelmugel said, looking at Germany’s current outfit. He was wearing a pair of lederhosens, a white shirt, and a green hat with a feather stuck in it.

“That, or you need to start yodeling,” Italy agreed, grinning.

“Neither are my style,” Germany said, looking at the outfit in the mirror. Prussia could tell his brother was uncomfortable in it.

“You could wear that to the party,” Italy suggested, “It would be kind of fun.”

“I feel like a lot of people would laugh at this. Besides… I already have an outfit for the party.”

Italy looked at Germany with anticipation. Germany didn’t elaborate. “Aren’t you going to tell me?” Italy eventually asked.

“It’s a surprise,” Prussia said before Germany could say anything, “You’ll find out at the party. Besides, it isn’t done yet.”

“As long as it isn’t something boring,” Italy said, playfully threatening, “I always have cat ears that are begging to be used.”

Prussia smirked a little as he saw Germany blush. “I promise it isn’t boring,” Germany muttered as he went back over to the screen to change into something else.

“Are you going to keep it?” Italy asked.

“It’s antique. Of course I’m going to keep it.”

“But would you wear it?” Kugelmugel asked, raising an eyebrow.

“No, never,” Germany admitted, “But, it is something that should be preserved. For prosperity’s sake.”

Prussia’s phone suddenly pinged. It was a text from Canada: “Free to talk?” He couldn’t help but smile. Maybe his birdy could lift his spirits a bit. “I have to take a call. I’ll be back later, if you are still playing dress up.”

Italy beamed, “I want to go next!”

“Choose something from the closet then,” Germany said. He poked his head out and looked at Prussia. “Who is it?”

“Birdy,” Prussia said, before darting out of the attic. He ran down to his room and pulled Skype up on his computer. Not before long, Canada’s face appeared on the screen.

“Hi, Birdy,” Prussia said, smiling in a way he thought was his usual.

Canada’s gentle smile faded very quickly, which made Prussia panic a little. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

Canada eyed his boyfriend. “Are you sure?”

Prussia didn’t like lying to his boyfriend. “I… really don’t want to talk about it. Just seeing you makes me feel a little better.”

“If you say so. But you would tell me if something important was going on, right?”

Prussia couldn’t meet Canada’s eyes. “When I can talk about it. So what’s going on?”

“Honestly, I just wanted to talk to you. I wish I could come visit you, but I’m tied up with work and getting everything set for Eva. I’m just glad that Al finally left.”

“That’s right. You were scared that he was going to do something with your computer. What was going on? You did say you would explain later. And that includes what happened at the world meeting. Don’t think I forgot about the glowing eye thing.”

“You’re right… You know how I was talking to you about my magic powers?”

“Right, you can do spells like England now.” Which Prussia thought was really cool. Canada showed him a few tricks after the world meeting, trying to explain it all before having to leave for his flight.

“Sometimes, magic happens and I can’t control it. For me, I can find hidden things. At the meeting, I saw what happened to Excalibur.”

“The legendary sword that Wales was freaking out about?” Prussia still found it amusing that he actually held such a great sword. Though, from how Wales was talking about it at the meeting, it seemed more important than just a relic from his country. He made it sound dangerous almost. Prussia certainly didn’t find anything out of the ordinary with it when he had it.

Canada nodded. “Al has it.”

“I thought he didn’t have it any more.”

“Well, he has it again. I don’t know how, and Al won’t tell me.” Canada sighed frustratedly. “He won’t talk about anything important. He will go on and on about sports and how he is kicking my butt in hockey even though most of his teams are made up of people from my country, but the moment I bring up him using magic, he ignores me.”

“Maybe that isn’t his thing.”

“I’d except that if he could control his magic. The problem is that he can’t. And that’s why I was concerned about the computer. The whole time he was here visiting, plates kept flying and lightbulbs kept breaking when he didn’t have his gloves on. I was worried my computer was going to explode at one point. The tv did.”

“I’m glad he left the computer alone.” Or how else would Prussia be talking with his boyfriend? “So you have to get a tv now?”

“Oh, no, I have a mending spell. And believe me, I have been making good use of it.” Canada sighed again, “I just wish I didn’t have to. It’s draining. And hopefully Al will keep out of trouble in his own country.”

“Did your new boss get to meet him yet?”

“No. I don’t think it would have been good if she saw any of that chaos. Magical or not. Al is kind of intense.”

“That’s what makes him fun.”

Canada groaned, “Not for a first meeting. Not with the way he’s been. I don’t know… This whole party is going to be a wild ride.”

“You’ll have me, birdy. Everything will be fine.” Prussia really didn’t feel what he was saying, but he knew that it would make Canada feel better and that was all he was working for at that moment.

Suddenly, Canada’s eyes start glowing purple. It freaked Prussia out, because Canada wasn’t responding when he was asking if everything was alright. When the light faded out, Canada had a worried look on his face and there were tears brimming. “Gilbert…” The way Canada said his name nearly broke Prussia. “I’m sorry.”

Prussia blinked. “About what, Birdy?”

“Your nation status… You don’t have it anymore?”

That was what broke Prussia. He cried for a while, hiding his face in his arms. Everything he had been feeling came out through tears, something he couldn’t quite get out before in any other way. Canada didn’t say anything, rather he just hummed a quiet tune. When Prussia got himself composed again, Canada said, “I really wish that I was over there. Does your bother know?”

“Ja, he knows. He tried to keep it from me.”

“Gilbird?”

Prussia nodded. “How did you know? The glowing eye thing… I thought that was just for finding items.”

Canada nodded. “I guess secrets are a part of that.”

“So I can’t hide anything from you anymore then,” Prussia said, grinning weakly.

“You can try, but I can’t promise it’ll stay a secret from me. Tell Ludwig to give you a big hug from me. I know it won’t be the same, but I know you need it.”

“I just… I don’t want to go yet. I’m with you. And West could never get over me disappearing. He would just blame it on himself.”

Canada took a few moments to think about it. “I think… I really think that everything is going to be ok. You have something to hold onto. Besides, the great Gilbert Beilschmidt never goes down without a fight.”

Prussia smiled a little. “That’s true.” He felt something touch his heart. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it made him feel a little better.

“…are you sure you’re going to be ok?”

“I’ll be better when we do the party.”

A door opened behind Canada and a woman appeared. She had her long hair tied in a bun and she looked like she meant business. Canada turned to look at her, and he said, “Give me a minute.” Then turned back to Prussia with a slightly miffed look on his face. “Sorry. Duty calls.”

“No sweat, Mattie.”

“I’ll call tomorrow, ok?”

“You know I’ll be here.”

Canada smiled warmly, “I know I can count on that, snow bear. Until tomorrow.”

The call ended, leaving Prussia alone in his room. Canada was right; he still had things to live for. He had a boyfriend. He had his brother who was a helpless romantic who needed to find love. There was Kugelmugel who needed an anchor in their life. He refused to leave this life just yet and God was going to have to deal with it.

As Prussia was heading back upstairs, hoping that everyone was still doing dress up, his phone rang to the tune of the Hungarian national anthem. Now, Prussia and Hungary were friends and would call each other every so often, however it was still surprising for Prussia.

“Hallo, Elizabeta. Ready for a wrestling rematch?” Prussia knew that Hungary was probably not calling for that.

“Only if you want to taste mud in your mouth again.” Prussia could imagine Hungary’s smirk. “No. Are you with Ludwig’s?”

“Where else would I be?”

“Is Kugelmugel there?”

Prussia pursed his lips. “Why do you ask?”

“Because Rodrich doesn’t know where he is and I’m worried. Roderich is too… though I can’t believe he didn’t notice until I said something.”

“First, Kugelmugel goes by ‘they’,” Prussia corrected. He wasn’t sure if Hungary was ever told, but she was going to know now. “And they’re here with me and Ludwig. They’re safe.”

“Oh. Well, I’m glad you two found Kugelmugel. When did you find them?”

“They kinda found us. They wanted to stay over here since Roderich is being an ass.”

“I really wish I could disagree with that, but I really can’t. But you could have told Roderich.”

“Based from past experience, Roderich would just come over here and bring Kugelmugel back with him. I don’t think would have been in anyone’s best interest. Besides, Kugelmugel wanted to see how long it would take for Roderich to notice them gone.”

“How long has it been?”

“Over a week.”

Prussia could feel Hungary’s rage. “Something has to change.”

“If you can convince him to hand over custody to someone who can raise a child, by all means. Ludwig and I have told him in the past that he needs to step up being a guardian.”

“If anyone can get him in line, it will be me. You should expect a call from him soon about this, and if you don’t, you better tell me.”

“Thanks, Elizabeta.” The call ended and Prussia stared at his phone for a moment. Hopefully, there would be some resolution to Kugelmugel’s living status. God knows that micronation needed it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It should be noted that Hungary wasn't told that Kugelmugel was non-binary. She certainly wasn't surprised when Prussia told her, and now she knows. *cues jazz hands* We can only hope that Hungary can knock some sense into Austria. We'll find out next week.


	10. Chapter 10

“You got to make sure that you have the violin secure under your chin,” Italy was telling Kugelmugel, “It’s important to have the right placement so you can play it right.”

Kugelmugel grimaced. “It feels uncomfortable.”

“You get used to it. it’s like sitting up straight.”

Kugelmugel adjusted the position of the violin, getting it to a stable position underneath their neck. “Better?”

Italy nodded. He knew that in time, Kugelmugel would get a better feel of the instrument.

Suddenly, running footsteps came bounding down the stairs. Prussia appeared brandishing an unsheathed sword with an excited look in his eyes. “Look at what we found!” he said.

“Whatever happened to not running around with sharp blades?” Germany asked, walking down the stairs with the sheath, and another sword.

“I’m careful. Geez, I was a knight when I was a child. All we did was run around with sharp objects in hand.”

“And yet you made a big deal about it.”

“You didn’t grow up a knight, though,” Prussia pointed out. He examined the blade he held with some more depth. “I haven’t used this in ages. There were many battles I fought with this blade.”

Italy looked at the other sword that Germany brought down. It was one that Holy Roman Empire had with him in different battles. A small sword for an adult, but prefect in the hands of a child. “Were… by any chance… are there more upstairs?”

“These are the only two we found,” Germany said, “Why?”

“It’s just…” It was a dumb thought. It wasn’t even all that important in the grand scheme of things.

“Well, you have to say it now,” Prussia said, “Because I’m interested. I’ll even let you hold the sword if you tell.” He handed Italy the sword he was holding.

Italy took the sword. It was a utility sword, so it didn’t look all that special. But Italy knew well that there were some things that didn’t need to look grand to feel like they were. “I wasn’t a good fighter when I was a child,” he started, weighing the sword in his hand, “I mean, I could defend myself well enough, but I was a much better artist, merchant, and architect. Sword fighting not so much, and it got worse when I was at Austria’s house because I never got practice. No one wanted me around swords, and there wasn’t really any need for it. Well, until, there was a break in.”

“Now who would be dumb enough to break into a nation home?” Prussia asked, completely engulfed in the story. “And how did I never hear about this?”

“Do you really think that Roderich would ever want to talk about something that embarrassing?” Germany raised an eyebrow. “But… nothing happened really. From what I remembered.”

Italy shook his head. “No, something did. I got attacked, and it was lucky nothing came from it.”

“Attacked?” Kugelmugel asked.

Italy nodded. It was rather terrifying since it happened at night, and he was finishing cleaning the kitchen. All he had to defend himself with was a broom, and it really was not menacing at all compared to a blade. Luckily, Austria and Holy Roman Empire were nearby and were up late as well. “I’m still not sure what that person wanted. But anyway, after that, I was kinda scared and Roderich was trying to figure out what to do about security. I asked Holy Roman Empire about sword fighting lessons. If anyone was going to listen to me, it would be him.”

“Such the gentleman,” Prussia said.

Germany gave his brother a look. “So Feli needed practice. That’s being there for a good friend.” Prussia rolled his eyes.

“I was just wondering if that sword I had then was still here… considering Holy Roman Empire’s is.” It was a stupid thought. Really.

“Let me go look,” Germany said, and he ran back upstairs.

“Did it help?” Kugelmugel asked.

“I mean, sure. We didn’t get broken into again, but I did look pretty cool fighting Roderich.”

“You fought him?”

“How else was I supposed to go back home? A lot of history is dealt with swords.”

“And now its guns.” Kugelmugel commented

“At least swords were classy.” Prussia picked up his sword again, and was getting used to having it in his hands again.

Germany came back downstairs, holding another sword. It was plain looking, but Italy recognized it immediately. “It’s still here,” Italy said, surprise in his voice.

“Gilbert trained me with this sword too.” Germany had this thoughtful look on his face.

Italy held it in his hands. It seemed odd that once a long time ago, it felt heavy to him. In the modern day, it felt more like a child’s toy. He waited some time, wondering if any other memory would surface for Germany. Nothing, at least nothing that Italy could see.

“Here’s an idea,” Prussia said, “Why do we spar?” He got into an attacking position.

Italy leaned the sword against a nearby wall. “Maybe another time.” His heart hurt, and it was something he didn’t want anyone else seeing. He hated that he felt like he was being torn apart without the physical confirmation of it. Feelings were annoying, and all that could be done was to ride them out.

After breakfast, Italy and Kugelmugel were going to head out into town. “There’s a few things I have to pick up for the costume I’m going to make,” Italy explained, “And Malleri is going to help me.”

Kugelmugel smiled at the mention of their human name. Germany noticed that beaming smile and figured it must give them immense pleasure.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Germany asked.

“Will you tell me what you are wearing then?” Germany stayed quiet. “I thought so,” Italy said when it became apparent to him that he was going to get nowhere, “We’ll be back soon, don’t worry.”

“If you say so.” Though Germany was going to worry anyway. Italy was a chaotic force of nature.

Once Italy and Kugelmugel were gone, Germany and Prussia started packing away items that Germany was parting with. He was going to donate them at a later date, once all the clean out was done.

“Hey, do you hear that?” Prussia asked, suddenly.

Germany stopped in his tracks and listened. Somewhere upstairs, music was playing. He didn’t remember turning on a radio, and he had his cell phone with him. “Weird…” Germany said slowly, putting down the box he was carrying and headed upstairs.

In the guest room that Italy was only partially using, there was a phone left on the bedside table. It was playing the Anthem of Seborga and vibrating like crazy. ‘Of all things to forget,’ Germany thought as he picked up Italy’s new phone, ‘Why did it have to be this?’ Sure, they were all still getting used to everything being on the phone, however their people were all addicted to them. Shouldn’t it stand to reason that they’d be too?

“Hallo?” Germany answered the phone.

“…uh… ciao.” The voice on the other end had to be Seborga. It certainly wasn’t Romano, and Italy would be a bit more casual. “Is Veneziano with you?”

“Nein. He left his phone and I don’t know when he’s coming back to the house.”

“Oh… um, please, can you tell him to call me back right away. It’s kind of an emergency.”

“What happened?” Whatever the emergency was, Germany was sure he could assist in some capacity in Italy’s place.

“Um…”

Germany could tell that Seborga didn’t know what to do with himself. It made him feel bad for the micronation. It didn’t matter what was going on; it was absolutely chaotic for Seborga.

“Just… make sure Veneziano calls as soon as possible.” Seborga hung up.

Germany sighed, and put Italy’s phone back on the side table. He really hoped that Italy would be back soon, just so that Seborga could calm down. Panic of that nature was absolutely terrifying.

As Germany started heading back downstairs, a memory bubbled up.

_Holy Roman Empire stayed close to Feliciano as the two of them were getting close to Venice. Feliciano kept twiddling his thumbs, something that Holy Roman Empire saw Italy do when she was nervous. “Is something the matter?” Holy Roman Empire asked._

_“It’s just… I’m almost home, and I can’t believe it and I’m wondering why everything has been going right and I’m waiting for things to go wrong. Something bad has to happen… right?” Feliciano looked at Holy Roman Empire with these big eyes._

_“What exactly do you mean by nothing bad has happened?”_

_“It’s just… I shouldn’t be so close to home. But here I am.”_

_“But you should be at home.”_

_Feliciano didn’t answer to that. He stopped by the nearby stream and picked a flower growing along the bank. “I… my life isn’t exactly mine. And right now, I’m divided. My heart belongs at home, while my duty is supposed to stay with Austria.”_

_Holy Roman Empire wasn’t sure what to say to that. He understood the feeling. There were times where the will of his people and the call of his boss were at odds with each other. Nothing that caused him heartache. Not the extent that this human was feeling._

_“I really shouldn’t be talking about this sort of thing.” Feliciano bounces back to his usual cheery mood._

_“If you say so… when we get there, you should show me around. I don’t think I have ever been to Venice.”_

_“You are really missing out. The streets are made of rivers!” Feliciano starts rambling on and on about Venice and his favorite parts of the city. It made Holy Roman Empire feel a little better, hearing Feliciano talk so much with such vigor. He is reminded of how Italy talks about her country. Holy Roman Empire found it rather funny that he found someone from the city Italy was from. And for this person to talk about it with the same passion as Italy herself would._

“Hey! West!” Prussia’s voice called from downstairs, knocking Germany back into the present. “Guess who decided to pay us a visit!”

“I never knew that you could make clothes,” Kugelmugel said as they walked home with Italy. The shopping trip was a success, as far as they knew. Italy seemed pleased enough, and that was fine enough for Kugelmugel. They were more interested in the process of making clothes. Surely it was an art. An art using a completely different set of tools that they had never used before. It was exciting, though not as exciting as chainsaw ice sculpting.

“I used to do it all the time,” Italy explained, “Everyone made their own clothes. Well… all the women did. But I made my own clothes. Elizabeta taught me. And back then, we didn’t even have sewing machines. It was all done by hand.”

“Is that what you are going to be doing here?”

“No. I don’t think I have the patience now.” Italy laughed a little.

“…do you think you can teach me?”

“Sure! If you want to learn. But remember, not a word about what we are making until the party. Ok?”

Kugelmugel nodded, then smiled. It was kind of fun having a secret. And based on how Italy was describing the costume he was making, it sounded like it was going to be beautiful.

“Oh, look, we have a guest,” Italy said as the two of them got in view of Germany’s house.

Kugelmugel looked at the car parked out in the front, and froze. It was Austria’s car. There was no doubt in the micronation’s eyes that Austria was there to bring them back home…

“Is there something wrong?”

“It’s Austria…”

“Oh, well he visits Gilbert and Ludwig occasionally.”

“No… I think he’s here for me…”

“You don’t know that.”

“You also don’t know that.”

Italy frowned as he looked back at Austria’s car. “Well… do you want to go with him?”

Kugelmugel shook their head.

“Then you don’t have to.”

“But I am a child, and he is my guardian…” Kugelmugel cringed a little saying it. Austria never really acted like much of a guardian.

“You are allowed to visit other people for any length of time. Like, Lovino was in America for years. He was working there and everything.”

Kugelmugel had a feeling that Romano’s situation was different than their own.

Italy and Kugelmugel went into the house through the front door. Berlitz was there, lying on a mat near the door. The dog looked up, and walked right up to Kugelmugel. Now, Kugelmugel had been afraid of Germany’s dogs since day one. However, Berlitz didn’t jump up on them, or try to lick their face. The dog just nuzzled his head against Kugelmugel’s leg. It was comforting.

Especially since in the next room over, Kugelmugel could hear yelling. All in German and all concerning themself. “…but that child was born in my country, so I have to take care of hi… them. I legally have to look out for that child.” Kugelmugel could hear Austria saying as Italy put the bags down next to the kitchen table.

“You two are back,” Germany said, walking into the kitchen. He looked very aggravated, even though he spoke with a kind voice. It put Kugelmugel on edge.

“What’s going on?” Italy asked, looking at the doorway to the next room.

Germany looked at Kugelmugel; the micronation knew what was up. “Austria is here… and he wants to bring you back home with him, Malleri.”

Berlitz whined.

“I don’t want to go back.”

“I know. However, you have to tell him that.”

“Like he will listen.”

“Roderich will. If not to you, then to Gilbert. And you know how loud he can be.”

Kugelmugel nodded, and glanced at the doorway into the sitting room. They didn’t want to go in there, but they also knew that Germany was right. They couldn’t run away from Austria forever.

“And we’ll be right behind you,” Italy said, walking to stand next to Kugelmugel.

Kugelmugel moved a step away from Italy. They knew that it was a nice gesture, however it made them all the more nervous to have their personal space invaded.

Germany held out a hand to Kugelmugel. “Come on,” he said, a comforting smile on his face.

Kugelmugel, Germany, and Italy all walked into the sitting room. Austria was standing up, looking out a window; Prussia was sitting in one of the chairs with his legs swung over the armrest. His arms were crossed, and he was glaring at Austria. He glanced over at Germany, Italy, and Kugelmugel as the three of them came in. He sighed, and maneuvered to sit in the chair properly.

“Here,” Prussia said to Austria, “You can ask Malleri yourself.”

Austria turned; Kugelmugel squeezed Germany’s hand for some sort of comfort. Austria’s disapproving glare from behind his glasses made Kugelmugel feel both angry and terrified all at once. The duality of that feeling made them uncomfortable. But, there was no running.

“You know that is a girl’s name, right?” Austria asked, an eyebrow raised.

“No, it’s my name,” Kugelmugel said, drawing on the braver part of their personality.

Austria blinked, and looked out the window again. "Whatever. Why don’t you want to come home? That’s the more pressing matter right now. Because regardless of everything, that is where you belong.”

Kugelmugel took a deep breath and stepped forward, letting go of Germany’s hand. “Your place is not my home. I feel invisible there, and nothing you can do will make me want to come back with you. Home for me is in _my_ country, not yours.”

“But your country doesn’t even exist.”

“So why am I here?”

Austria opened his mouth to answer, however he didn’t give a reply. He walked over to the couch and sat down. “You are still a child though. You can’t live alone.”

“Sure I can.”

Austria wasn’t convinced.

“Here’s an idea that might make everyone feel better,” Prussia spoke up, “Why don’t I be their guardian? I have nothing else really, so I can take the time to be a proper guardian. That is, if you are ok with that, Malleri?”

“You’ll let me?” Kugelmugel asked Austria.

Austria looked at Prussia in surprise. “That is a conflict of interest. Even if your country isn’t around, you are still a nation.”

“I’m not though. I’m no longer Prussia. It’s just Gilbert now.”

Austria didn’t respond for a good long while. He thought about the words that everyone was saying before making his response. “I’ll agree to it, in that case” Austria stared at the coffee table, adjusting his glasses, “It’s better than having you wander around on your own.”

Kugelmugel looked at Prussia and smiled.

“Well, now that we have that settled, Ludwig, a word with you,” Austria stood up and took Germany out of the room. All tension in the room disappeared and Kugelmugel felt like they could breathe again.

“What did you say to him to make him agree to this?” Kugelmugel asked Prussia.

“Barely anything… though I might have gone on a rant about respecting people. Though, if you really want to know about what I think, I think Elizabeta yelled at him for being a bad father. And that probably what did the trick.”

Italy suddenly had a smirk on his face. “You called Elizabeta, didn’t you?”

“Other way around, Feli. She called me when she noticed Malleri was missing when she visited Austria. If there is anyone who can put the young master back in his place, it’s her.”

“…so what do we do now?”

“What, you want to talk about it now?”

Kugelmugel nodded.

“Well, how about we wait until tomorrow? That way we know the stick in the mud won’t be around.”

Kugelmugel nodded again, and took a seat on the couch, their knees pulled up to their chin. They did have to admit they still had a knot in their stomach. However, they weren’t sure as to why.

“How are you feeling?” Italy asked, sitting on the couch opposite from Kugelmugel.

“Sick.”

“With everything you’ve told me,” Prussia said, “I don’t really blame you. If you need to be alone, go ahead.” Prussia gave Kugelmugel a wink, and shifted his legs back over the armrest.

Kugelmugel didn’t waste any time to run upstairs and close the door of the second guest room, the one that they had been staying in since coming to Germany’s house. They stayed there at the door, forehead against it, focusing on their breathing. And then, a smile came to their face. They didn’t have to go back to Austria’s house ever again. That thought slowly got the knot out of their stomach.

A buzzing sound came from nearby accompanied by a melody, drawing Kugelmugel from their thoughts. They looked all around their room, but there were no insects there. They poked their head out in the hall, where the sound was a bit louder; after walking around a bit, they did find the source: Italy’s phone. Kugelmugel weighed the object in their hand before running downstairs to give it to Italy. It had to be important, since Spain had been trying to get a hold of the Italian eight times.


	11. Chapter 11

“Since when did he become human?” Austria was asking as Italy walked outside.

“He lost his nation status a few days ago,” Germany explained, “It was Gilbert’s idea to keep quiet about it until he could make an announcement about it.”

“I would think that he would have told me personally… though I doubt he told Elizabeta… She would have said something about it.”

“He’s been kinda taking it hard,” Italy piped up, “Though he has been better since talking to Matthew.”

“I’m not surprised,” Germany agreed, “Matthew is a good influence for him.”

Austria sighed. “I do hope he isn’t biting more than he can chew, raising a child.”

Germany frowned, “He did it once with me.”

“Yes, well, you were always more mature and responsible. Kugelmugel isn’t.”

Germany’s frown stayed. “I count that as a good thing. They can have a little childhood.”

Austria didn’t seem convinced of that, however he didn’t argue the subject. After saying goodbyes, he drove back home.

“At least Malleri doesn’t have to worry about that anymore,” Italy said as he and Germany walked back to the house.

“And I do hope that allows them to open up a bit more,” Germany agreed, “I know how hard it is to feel like you have no one to lean on.”

Since they were outside, Germany suggested to take the dogs out for a walk. They needed to stretch out their legs, since all dogs are bundles of energy. Italy went along, and it was easy for him to keep up with the dogs since he was also a bundle of energy. At one point, Italy did spot a particular rock to the side. It caught his eye, and upon further inspection realized that it had a hole in it that he could see right through. A hag stone. ‘Well, I guess I found one,’ Italy mused as he pocketed the object and caught up with Germany and his dogs. He would have to see if Northern Ireland’s advise would prove to be of any worth. Magic wasn’t exactly Italy’s thing.

When Italy and Germany got back to the house, Kugelmugel had just run downstairs and ran right up to Italy. They were holding Italy’s phone. “It’s easier to find a phone when you have it with you,” Kugelmugel said as Italy took his phone.

Quickly going through the call history, Italy noticed that Spain had called a lot. That made him very nervous. What could Spain be calling about that was so important? Italy didn’t waste any time to run out to the backyard and called Spain back.

“Veneziano! You are alive,” Spain’s voice said, greatly relieved.

“Sorry… I didn’t realize I didn’t have my phone on me.”

“I was surprised that your number changed. Seborga told me about it.”

“So… what’s up?” Italy was afraid with what he was going to hear.

“It’s Romano. While he was helping with the renovations, he kinda slipped and fell…”

The color ran from Italy’s face. “Is he ok?”

“Oh, yeah, he’ll be fine. The doctor is giving him some tests… they’re kinda pointless, but who knows? But Seborga was trying to get a hold of you because he was alone with Romano and didn’t know what to do. When he couldn’t get you, he found my number. Are you ok?”

Italy pursed his lips and started pacing. “I’m fine, I guess. It’s not like I got injured or that I’m sick… Romano is probably in worse shape than I am…” Though, everything inside of Italy hurt. Not physically, but emotionally. “Just… poor timing I guess…”

“If you say so… oh, si, yeah,” Spain started talking with someone else on the other end, “Veneziano called back, here.”

The phone got shuffled and Seborga spoke, “Ciao, Veni.” He sounded a bit groggy.

“How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine. Did Germany tell you that I called?”

“No…” Italy looked back to the house. He could see Germany through the window, looking out worriedly. He turned away when he noticed Italy looking at him. “Was he supposed to tell me you called?”

“Si… maybe I didn’t make it apparent it was an emergency.” Seborga groaned.

The phone got shuffled again, and Italy could hear the backdrop of the hospital. “You did what you could, Seb. And I think you did good. You got Romano to a doctor. And you stayed by his side to make sure he was fine.”

Italy felt guilty. He should have been there for Romano. He should have had his phone with him. Germany should have told him that Seborga was trying to get a hold of him. “Do you need me to come over there?”

“I think Romano would appreciate it, but I have the situation handled here… Oh, look, it’s the doctor. I’ll call you later to give you an update, ok?”

Spain ended the call, leaving Italy alone on the other side. He really wanted to throw his phone against the wall, but, then, he’d miss another call, and he knew Romano was going to go on a rampage already. Italy needed to do something, because it just seemed that everything around him was moving without him. His influence meant nothing. His decisions meant nothing, or worse, caused people harm. Couldn’t something go right for someone because of what Italy did?

And then, it started raining, forcing Italy to go inside.

“Is everything ok?” Germany asked.

Italy bit back a scarcastic response; it wasn’t his thing. “Why didn’t you tell me Sebastian called? And needed me to call him back?”

Germany cringed. “I’m sorry… with everything that happened today with Austria, it slipped my mind. Is he ok?”

“No, not really. He was scared shitless for God knows how long because he didn’t know what to do!”

Germany was stunned, “Wasn’t your brother with him?”

“Sure, Lovino was with him, but he was what Sebastian was panicking over. Lovino fell off the Basilica because I wasn’t there to save him! And now he’s in the hospital.”

“Not to butt in,” Prussia said, “But… how is that your fault? It was an accident, right?”

“I should have been there! None of that would have happened if I was there!”

Prussia and Germany looked at each other for a moment. Neither of them knew what to say in response. “Maybe,” Germany said tentatively, “However you are here and Lovino fell. But he is alright, right?”

Italy nodded.

“So everything is going to be ok.”

Italy knew he should feel better after hearing it, but he didn’t. He walked upstairs into the guest room, where the plush cat was sitting on the bed, where he left it. He took it into his arms and cuddled it tight. ‘Why is it that no one tells me anything?’ he thought.

A knock came to the door. Italy didn’t answer. He heard the door open, then close. He felt a dip in the bed. “I don’t want to talk and I don’t want to listen.” He didn’t turn around.

“I wasn’t going to,” Germany said, “I just know you don’t like being alone. So, I’m here when you are ready.”

Italy glanced to look at Germany. He had brought _A Flower’s Tears_ and was continuing on reading it. After a time, Italy maneuvered so that he was reading along with Germany over his shoulder. It was at the part of the story where the girl finally realizes that the mechanic is the soldier who she loved so long ago.

“Is it bad that I’m annoyed that you don’t remember me?” Italy eventually asked.

“Is that what this is all about?”

“Not entirely, but it’s the one thing that involves you.”

Germany sighed wearily. “You have every right to be. We were supposed to be close, and I believe that from you. I’m sorry I can’t get myself to remember. It’s not from lack of trying.”

Italy messed up Germany’s perfectly brushed back hair, then fixed it so that his bangs were showing. “I know.”

Germany smiled with his whole face, and for the first time, Italy could see how this could be Holy Roman Empire. He had the same eyes, the same smile, and the same aura. However, the moment was short lived as Germany went back to the book.

Italy sat back on the bed and took out the hag stone. Curious, he looked through the hole. Nothing about the room changed. ‘Though, Northern Ireland did say look through it when Germany was spacing out…’ Italy thought. He wondered what that would change?

_Holy Roman Empire gasped as France’s sword plunged into his chest. His breath felt as though it was sucked away, and he fell to his knees. France took out the blade and stared hard at the smaller nation. Holy Roman Empire looked back with anger, confusion, and sadness. After a time of staring, France walked away without saying a word._

_Holy Roman Empire could feel his life slipping away with each step he took. He escaped the battle field and took shelter under a tree in the forest that was by a river. He didn’t even attempt to clean his wounds; he knew he was dying and no amount of cleaning would change that._

_He didn’t know how long he was there. A day. A month. A year. Time was lost to the fallen nation. He could feel his memories slipping away from him along with his lifeforce. Holy Roman Empire was not to last for much longer in the world._

_Holy Roman Empire took out a paint brush from his cloak pocket and stared at it fondly. It was made from the wood and bristles of the deck brush Italy had given him when he left for war. It was a suggestion from a few of the soldiers after seeing their general carrying the brush to every battle._

_He smiled sadly at it. “If it be within my power,” he said to the wind, “I will come back to you, Italy. Even if it takes me a thousand lifetimes, I will find my way back home to you.” He could feel his heart stop and he took his last breath as Holy Roman Empire._

Germany suddenly stood up from the table and walked out of the dining room, trying to control his breathing. It shocked him to the core that he could remember the moment he died so clearly now. So vividly. He felt dizzy, and knew full well this was why he blocked out everything from his mind.

“Are you ok, West?” Prussia asked, following Germany to the sitting room, “You look sick.”

All three of Germany’s dogs came bounding up to him, whining and trying to give him slobbering kisses. Germany got the dogs to calm down, which in turn got him to calm down as well. The room stopped spinning and he could breathe normally again. “I remember how I died…” Germany said quietly.

“You never… wait, are you actually admitting to being Holy Roman Empire?”

Germany nodded, then quickly added, “I’m not in the mood for you to be rubbing it into my face.”

“Definitely not now, but expect it later,” Prussia joked and winked at his brother before saying, “Is this why you’ve been trying to clean out the attic?”

“More or less. And I have been remembering a lot…”

“You don’t remember Feliciano,” Prussia guessed. When Germany asked about it, Prussia said, “He would be the only thing you would freak out so much about not remembering.”

“It’s not that I don’t remember him at all. But… we were supposed to be close, but all I really remember is this one time I helped him run away from Austria’s and get home to Venice.”

Prussia had a look of disbelief on his face. “Since when did that happen?”

“I’m not sure of timing really. But Italy got homesick and so disguised himself so he could sneak back home. I ran into him and helped him out.”

“Must have been a pretty bad disguise if you recognized him.”

Germany thought about it and realized something. “…I actually didn’t. It’s only now that I know it was him because the whole time, he went by his human name. Feliciano Vargas.”

“So he wasn’t wearing a dress?”

Germany stared blankly at Prussia. “No?”

“That explains it then.”

“Why would he be wearing a dress?” Not that Germany thought it was out of character for Italy. He just thought it was odd for the time period.

“He did that when he was younger. Actually, we all thought he was a girl until puberty.”

It wasn’t that Germany didn’t believe Prussia. He did. And maybe it would explain why he didn’t think he remembered Italy at all. If he looked like a girl, and Germany wasn’t looking for that…

“I might have a picture… we still haven’t found the paintings, and I think I know where those are.”

Kugelmugel suddenly ran into the room, a look of excited wonder on their face. “Art?”

“Yes,” Prussia agreed, “Art. Some of it is Feli’s old work. Come on.”

The three of them walked up to the attic and Prussia ran over to the corner where the cloth was. Holy Roman Empire was there, looking on, along with the maid in the green dress. She looked rather excited. Underneath, as promised, were some paintings. The first one that Germany saw was of a rabbit in the middle of a meadow. It was definitely done by a skilled hand.

“This was one of Feli’s works. Oh, and here’s one of yours!” Prussia revealed the next painting which, just like the sketches, was of the exact same thing, but crappily done. The maid in the green dress laughed… in the same way Italy did. Fully. Unashamed. Contagious.

“I’m not much of an artist,” Germany explained when Kugelmugel gave him an eyebrow.

Prussia went through more of the pictures. Some were of Germanic country sides, some were of gentle creatures, and the rest were portraits of various nations. Namely, Prussia, Austria, Hungary, and Holy Roman Empire. The last one was of the girl in the green dress, curled up on a chair. She didn’t have her white hat on, so her auburn hair was fully visible. It was short, though there was strand that poked out into a side curl. Just like Italy’s…

_Holy Roman Empire found Italy in her room, looking down at a rosary in her hands. She looked miserable._

_“Italy?” Holy Roman Empire asked, “You’re back.”_

_Italy looked up, and the two young nations locked eyes with one another. It crossed Holy Roman Empire’s mind that Italy had the same exact look as Feliciano did when they got close to Venice. It was a deep melancholy that nation-kind are very familiar with. An immortal’s curse._

_“Si… Austria found me and brought me back…”_

_“Where did you even go? We were all worried about you.”_

_Italy pursed her lips. “Home.”_

_“All the way in Venice?” It seemed odd that Holy Roman Empire traveled all the way there but never saw Italy. Even if the world was big, Holy Roman Empire came to the conclusion that if two nation folk are in the same country, they were bound to run into each other, even if they were trying to avoid one another._

_Italy nodded furiously, and clenched her fists around her prayer beads. “Mr. Austria was on a trip around there for business. I was scolded on the whole journey back.”_

_“At least it was only scolding.”_

_“Would he have done worse if I was a boy?”_

_“Don’t think about such things.”_

_“I can’t help it though… recently, I’ve been thinking about it. What would have changed if I was a boy?”_

_“What ifs don’t help if they put you under such distress,” Holy Roman Empire said, “Think no more of it. There is no point.”_

_Italy looked at Holy Roman Empire as if looking for a different answer. “No,” she eventually said, “I guess there isn’t.” She looked dejected, and Holy Roman Empire felt guilty._

_However, what was the point of weighing a question like that? For someone who already has the weight of an entire country on her shoulders? “Hey.” Holy Roman Empire sat next to Italy and put an arm around her shoulders. “If Austria gives you a hard time, tell me.”_

_“And what would that do?”_

_“I can try to make it better… I’d do anything to make you smile.”_

_Italy smiled a little, in the same way that Feliciano did. “You already do.”_

“Here it is!” Prussia said proudly, “Feli really did clean it up nicely.”

“So who started it?” Kugelmugel asked.

Germany looked back at the two kids. At long last, Germany could clearly see the maid’s face… There was no mistake, this was Italy. Italy twirled around; Holy Roman Empire watched in admiration. What would he had thought back then had he known? A small smile came on Germany’s face; it didn’t matter. He had grown up since then, and he felt a sense of relief knowing that his best friend in the whole wide world was always there in his memories. And that the feelings he had for Italy were feelings he always had. They had survived through everything, despite everything.

“Ahem, West?” Prussia drew Germany out of his daze.

“I did,” Germany said, getting his head back into the present moment, “I thought that Italy looked cute, and since cameras weren’t a thing then, I tried painting…”

_“I think it’s cute that you wanted to paint me,” Italy grinned brightly at Holy Roman Empire._

_“Why wouldn’t I?” Holy Roman Empire would have said more, however he started blushing so hard he couldn’t begin to confess his feelings._

“And Feli found out and started helping him,” Prussia continued, too impatient to let Germany finish, “He had tried so hard to get you to be a good artist.”

“I insisted…” Germany said, defending himself.

“ _Italy, I have loved you since the 900’s.”_

“Only because you were absolutely star-struck in love.” Prussia rolled his eyes playfully. “And the whole time, you would barely talk to him like a normal person.”

‘ _Why do you follow me when I run away, but run away when I follow?’ Holy Roman Empire thought one day, confused as all hell about his friend Italy. Was he doing something wrong?_

“Like he was any better,” Germany muttered. He stepped away and took a deep breath. That was when he found Italy by the attic entrance, holding up a hag stone to his eye. Italy lowered it when he saw Germany looking at him. He waved a little. He seemed to be a bit better than he was yesterday. Calmer, though he was a bit confused at that moment.

“Hey, Feli!” Prussia said, “We found some of your old work.”

Italy smiled at Prussia then looked back at Germany. Germany knew he had a lot to talk about with that nation.

“Hey, um, there’s something I need to show you outside,” Germany said, taking Italy’s hand.

“What is it?” Italy asked, obediently following.

They walked out to the backyard, where the dogs were running around.

“You wanted to ask me something,” Germany said, “What is it?”

“You first,” Italy insisted.

“I only did that to get Gilbert away.”

“Oh…” Realization swept across Italy’s face. “Well… have you been haunted by Holy Roman Empire this whole time?” He asked his question slowly, trying to find the right words as he spoke.

It was Germany’s time to be confused. “You saw him?”

“Si. Him and me. Well, me when I was a child. Northern Ireland told me to use this to answer some questions.” Italy held up a stone with a hole in the middle.

“He has… it started a few months ago, Holy Roman Empire following me around. He wanted me to reconcile with my childhood.”

“Why?”

“Because I needed to find you. Except I already had; I just needed to remember.”

Italy looked flat out confused.

Germany held onto Italy’s arms by the elbows and looked the Italian straight in the eyes. “The last thing I told you before I went to war was I love you. And that still holds true. I never stopped loving you, Feliciano, regardless of time past.”

“You really mean it?” Italy sounded as if he couldn’t believe it.

“I do. I love every part of you.”

Italy chuckled awkwardly. “When you proposed to me that one time, I thought it was some elaborate prank. I felt bad when I found out you meant it.”

“I don’t do pranks. Then or now.”

“I still didn’t believe it. It sounded too good to be true.”

They stayed there for a while not knowing what to say. Germany was wondering if there was something else he should say, but he knew that the ball was no longer in his court, so to speak. “So… what do we do now?” Italy asked.

It took Germany a few moments to comprehend Italy’s question out of sheer surprise of it. “You are the relationship expert.”

“For other people,” Italy clarified, “Not myself.”

Germany broke out laughing. All the tension he had been feeling broke; it felt good. “You have to be kidding me.”

Italy shrugged. “It’s easier to deal with other people’s problems. Well, if you are up for it, we could start dating for real. Because, and I know I never told you, but,” Italy put his arms around Germany’s neck, “I love you, too.”

They looked at each other fondly for a moment, before they shared a kiss. One that was several centuries in the making. They probably would have stood there outside for a long time, enjoying fully being in each other’s aura without any hesitation of feeling, had it not been for Prussia shouting “Finally!” because he had seen the whole thing from an upstairs window.


	12. Chapter 12

Italy decided it was about time he called Romano. Spain had called back and said what everyone assumed would be the case: that Romano was ok and going to be fine.

Waiting for someone to pick up the phone was nerve-racking, however, Italy figured it was what he deserved after what he had been doing. He certainly wouldn’t blame his brother for ignoring his call.

“I could kick your ass, Veneziano,” Romano said when he answered the call.

“Ciao, fratello. How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine. The stupid doctor wants to keep me for another day, even though I am completely fine.”

“Has Antonio tried talking to this doctor?”

“No, because he agrees with her.”

“He just wants what’s best for you.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Romano said dismissively. He either didn’t believe it, or didn’t want to admit that Spain and the doctor were right.

“Sorry I wasn’t there, Lovino.”

“You should be. But… I also should have been more careful too.”

“Is Sebastian doing ok?”

“Yeah, he’s fine.”

“He was panicking last I heard.”

“He was fine when he saw me again.”

Italy looked over at Germany, who had brought down some of the paintings from the attic and was deciding which ones to hang up around the house. Germany had thought it was a shame that the paintings weren’t out to be viewed for so long.

“How’s dressmaking?” Romano asked when Italy didn’t bounce back with a response.

“Oh, it’s going along great. I have Malleri helping me out and it’s over halfway done.”

“Malleri?”

“Kugelmugel. Malleri is their human name. They’re going to be living with Gilbert now, and so have been over at Ludwig’s house.”

“Is that the art obsessed one?”

“Si, and I’ve been giving them pointers.”

“I bet you have.”

“Speaking of costumes, have you thought about what you are going to wear for the party?”

“…Antonio has been trying to get me to dress up as a pirate so I can go as his lacky. I keep telling him no.”

“I think that would be sweet.”

“Oh, no, not you too.”

“So then do you actually have something in mind?”

“Not really. I just don’t want to go as a pirate.”

“You could go as a Roman.”

Romano thought about it for a moment. “It’s certainly better than being a pirate.”

“Why does Antonio want to go as a pirate anyway?”

“He said something about having this dream where he was out at sea and thought it would be cool being a pirate.” Italy could imagine his brother rolling his eyes.

“Hey, by the way, just so that you can get it all out of your system by the party, I’m dating Ludwig now.”

There was dead silence on the other end. “Why the fuck are you dating him?!?”

“Because I have wanted to for a really long time and it’s only now that I can admit that to myself and to him?” Italy suggested.

Romano groaned on the other end. “Why does it have to be the potato bastard of all people?”

“You make it sound like it’s a complete surprise.”

“You dumped his ass during WW2.”

“We never dated then.” And Italy was really glad for that fact.

“You could have fooled the rest of the world.”

“We weren’t dating then! We were just friends, and besides Kiku was there too. Look, can you please play nice? For me?”

Romano sighed, “Only because it’s you. I bet you two have a partner costume all set up for the party.”

“Actually, I have no idea what Ludwig is being. And I haven’t told him about mine. It’s going to be a surprise.”

“That’s a relief.”

“Can’t promise about Halloween though.”

“Of course not. Hey, Antonio! Can you please tell the doctor I’m fine so I can go home?” There was a pause; Italy wished he could hear what Spain was saying over the beeps of the hospital monitors. “Yes, I’ll actually stay at home, tomato bastard.”

Germany walked back into the sitting room, trying to wrangle up his dogs. “Tell Antonio I say hi.”

“Sure. Where are you off to though?”

“Ludwig wanted to go walk the dogs, and asked if I could come along.”

“He can walk the dogs on his own, right?”

“Sure, but he wants me to come.”

“Bring you damn phone with you, ok?”

“I learned my lesson. I promise.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Ciao, Romano.” Italy ended the call.

“We could have done this after I walked the dogs,” Germany pointed out, “So that you didn’t have to end your call.”

“No, I told you that I would. Besides, Lovino needs to sit with the fact we’re dating. I’m glad Antonio is there with him.”

“If you say so.”

“I do.” Italy beamed and ran to grab his sweatshirt. While, yes, Germany did ask him to come walk the dogs, the reason for that was something entirely non-dog related.

Prussia was looking at homeschool curriculums, wondering what exactly he could teach a young nation. Especially when said young nation was nervous about how long they would last. Kugelmugel had been opening up more and more since it was official that they didn’t have to go back to Austria’s place to live. They were worried about their own status, being merely a micronation. Kugelmugel was also in the room, practicing some sewing techniques that Italy had taught them.

“Say,” Prussia spoke up, “Isn’t Sealand also homeschooled?” He remember hearing that micronation talking about homework.

“Yes.”

“Maybe I’ll talk to Tino about it later.” Prussia wanted to get it right. Kugelmugel deserved that.

“No homework.”

“Not boring homework, no.” Prussia agreed, especially since he would have to be the one grading the stuff, “But fun stuff.”

“Fun homework?” Kugelmugel didn’t think those two words belonged right next to each other.

“Sure. Like what you are doing right now.”

“This is practice. Not homework.”

“And what do you think homework is? It’s just practice. Feli taught you how to do something, and to get better at it, you are doing it on your own.”

“It doesn’t sound as bad now. Except math.”

“I’ll try to make it fun.” An unrelated idea hit Prussia and he ran down to his room to go find it. He wrote a journal every day, starting when he was young so that others could read it and get inspired. It used to be in a huge room, but he had condensed it into a Kindle for traveling sake. He ran back up to the dining room and handed it to Kugelmugel. “It’s where I put my journal when I was a young nation. Read it. Maybe some of your fears and questions can be put to rest and answered.”

Kugelmugel turned the machine on and started looking through it. Prussia mentally patted himself on the back for remembering that. What better way to teach a young nation about being a nation? Sure, Holy Roman Empire/Germany never really appreciated it that much and America wasn’t much of a reader at the time because of his little revolution. But maybe, just maybe…

Kugelmugel started laughing. It was the first time that Prussia really heard the nation laugh. Sure, they would get excited about things, but laughing was a completely different matter. “You were just like Hutt.”

Hutt River, from what Prussia had heard, was a micronation after France’s heart. “Is that a compliment?”

Kugelmugel shrugged and nodded. “I like Hutt.”

Prussia would take it as a compliment.

Germany let Italy lead the way to Holy Roman Empire’s grave. He certainly knew where it was better. The grave was in a nearby meadow close to a small stream. It was alone, and the marker only had the name “Kurtis Bielshmit” written upon it. Italy’s prayer beads were still on top of the marker.

“Kurtis?” Germany asked, as he let his dogs run about the area.

“That was your human name at the time. You did look more like a Kurtis then. Not so much now.”

“You kept your human name though.”

“I didn’t need one then. I just said I was Italy and everyone didn’t think otherwise. The first time I used Feliciano was with you. And I really liked the name so I kept it.”

“It does suit you.” Italy smiled at the compliment. “I did want to ask, though. Was it your idea to wear that dress?”

“Well, maybe not that particular one, but yeah. I was to play maid, so…” Italy shrugged, “No one cared until I hit puberty.”

“Let me guess, they wanted you out of the dress after that.”

“Yeah. Everyone kept giving me looks when I asked about wearing a dress. Hungary eventually said that because I was a guy, I should wear trousers. I said sure, but it always left a bitter taste in my mouth.”

“It was the times.”

“I guess…” Italy sounded unconvinced. Germany could understand that much. It may have been an explination, but it wasn’t a very good one.

“If… um… you wanted to wear dresses again, I don’t mind.”

“Like some of the Lolita stuff.”

Germany blushed. “That’s up to you,” he said way too quickly.

“I’ve seen the pictures you saved.” Italy winked. “You may not be an artist, but you do have a good sense of fashion.”

Germany was still blushing.

“You’re really getting flustered over the thought of me wearing a dress?” Italy asked amused.

“I’m trying not to. Sorry.” Germany looked down at the prayer beads lying on the marker. He picked it up and handed it to Italy. “I know this is yours. Please keep it.”

“It’s meant to be a growth thing. I need to learn how to deal without it.”

“Who said you have to? And you are clearly missing it. It’s a comfort to you.”

Italy took back his rosary. “I know no one comes here, but I’m still surprised that this is still here. Guess that means that they’re supposed to be with me.”

The two of them stared at the grave marker. “You know,” Germany said, “In a way, Holy Roman Empire did die. The same way a younger self dies in most people. He will always be a part of me, even if he himself has been long gone. Same with you.”

“When you put it that way, sure. We both certainly have gone through a lot since we were kids. But… in a sense, we haven’t really changed at all.”

“How do you figure that?” Germany didn’t really believe it. He felt a whole lot different from the person he was as a child. He had seen so much damage.

“You’re still you. You are still someone who protects his friends and tries to make people happy.”

Germany still really didn’t believe it, but he knew better than to disagree with something that Italy was so convinced about. “If you say so, Feli.”

Italy bowed, then kissed Germany on the cheek. “I do.”

Italy’s phone started ringing his national anthem. “Sorry.” He ran off a distance to answer it.

Germany looked over the meadow, and took a deep breath. When he breathed out, he could see Holy Roman Empire and young Italy sitting by the edge of the stream, looking out at the water. “I know who I was,” Germany said to the open air, “And I won’t forget any time soon. I hope this is enough to let you rest in peace.”

Holy Roman Empire turned to Germany. “So long as you help him out too,” he said before he and Italy faded into the open air.

Germany smiled. “Don’t worry, I will.”


End file.
